Well hello babies!
Happy Monday to you! I hope the coffee at the office isn't laced with arsenic, you didn't mow down a family of ducks while speeding to work, and that inappropriate joke you made about the Polish will not come back to haunt you. But it most likely will, as it is the Ides Of March
dah dah deh dennnnn!!!!
In case you doodled your way through English class in high school and can't recall what that expression means, allow me to be your teacher. On the Roman calender the name Idus Maritae translates to March 15th. The day was once celebrated for the god Mars with a military parade in Roman legions. It's also the day that Julius Caesar was shanked like an inmate on Oz by his senate, the rat bastards. An old seer warned Caesar to keep his ass against the wall "beware the ides of march...they gone stab yo ass Caesar."
Well he didn't listen, and they did indeed stab him. So today in 2010, I doubt you'll get stabbed but something may go awry for you. Take my day so far. I'm bloated from my period, my gas tank is empty, and that wrinkle in my shirt is NOT a wrinkle, but a roll of fat. And top it off, last night I did not sleep a wink. I feel asleep last night around 11pm and was awake by 1:30a. And I didn't fall back asleep until 8 am.
I lay awake thinking about all kinds of shit.
I wondered why after 2 months of the devastating earthquake were citizens of Port-Au-Prince and surrounding areas still with out basic shelter?
Why we often forget to clean inside the navel?
Why did people love Up In The Air soooo fucking much?
How will I pay off my SAG fees and get re-instated?
Why the fuck is the wife of supreme court justice Clarence Thomas a tea party member?
What the fuck is the tea party? And why are they allowed to...live?
Why is there going to be a film version of For Colored Girls?
Why do I refuse to call, but prefer to text?
Why can't I buy my mother health insurance?
Have we killed all of the endangered species on earth?
What is the name of that guy I screwed in college? sophomore year. He was so nice. He called the next day...and I cannot remember his name. And he bought me danish. Why didn't I marry him?
Whats it like on Jupiter?
Why do I think British people sound more intelligent?
Is this really a temporary thing, or am I going to be stuck living like a college student forever?
Why do I enjoy fart jokes?
Why do I enjoy farts?
Will I ever be one of those liberal asshole organic mommies shopping in Whole Foods with a full cart and my baby bjorn slung around my neck?
Who are these fuckers in the Tea Party? Should I start the coffee party? And why of all things was Clarence Thomas born black?
Why the fuck is his wife a tea party member?
Why do these motherfuckers think they don't have to pay taxes? How can you be anti-tax?
Since these good ol' boys don't respect our commander-in-chief and don't seem to like all the laws laid down by the forefathers, lemme see if I can speak their language:
“Pay taxes, for the authorities are God’s servants.” Paul to the Romans, 13:16 assholes.
I'm reaching for my pot card now, because you tea party "patriots" have given me anxiety and I'm going to buy some LEGAL POT. Now that's patriotism mothafuckers.
Take it easy today kids. And try not to get stabbed.
NEXT BLOG: How lice can provided more protein than eggs.