Man I've got to go and find Percy Jackson so that he and I can figure out why the Gods are so angry.
I've been suffering bouts of Insomnia, which is not such a big deal...I've been doing my very best not to be seduced into drinking myself to sleep or popping some sleep aid. Last night I went to bed at a decent hour, but despite my best efforts, woke up every hour on the hour. Like the little boy in Poltergeist, I guess I was afraid of the dark. And like him, I wanted to make sure the clown doll didn't come alive and try to kill me, or that the tree outside my window didn't bust thru the glass and try to impregnate me. Well, yes I know that's not how it happened in the movie, but its my fucking neurosis okay? Its perfectly normal to think a tree could come alive and have its way with me...gosh, having sex with a tree is weird...not only would I be an insomniac, I would also be a Dendrophiliac. See this is the kind of shit I think about when I don't sleep. Spazzzzzz...
So anyway after drifting back to sleep for a few brief moments, I was awakened by violent jolts. "Holy fuck!" I thought. "The tree is raping me!" But it wasn't the tree busting thru my window. But it was indeed, mother nature reminding me who had the power. The violent shaking I felt was the 4.4 magnitude earthquake that struck the Los Angeles area at 4 am.
Now, 4.4 is not a huge quake. Most Angelinos are mentally equipped for minor shakes. But it's always weird. Think about it. You're in your bed sleeping and then the earth starts to move. In 15 seconds time you think "Wow is this roof gonna flatten me?" "Will I have to run out onto the street in my granny period draws?" or "Oh god, a natural disaster...the kids! my dog! MY WIG COLLECTION!" or happy thoughts "Ohh an earthquake? Shid, I'm taking off work like a mothafucka..."
4.4 won't give you post traumatic stress, but it does remind you who's in charge. So after lying in bed for a few more hours and finally falling asleep it was time to start my busy day. I shit, showered and shaved then set out to make peace with mother earth. I offered up thanks to the gods and promised to go through the day gently. I exited my little home and walked towards my car. Then I saw a bumble bee. Now if you know me, you'll know that I'm not only terrified by bees, but also allergic. I took a deep breath and said "it's okay he's not going to sting you..." then I heard the worst fucking sound ever. Worst than the sound of the earth moving. The sound was above my head.
You guessed it. A swarm of bees.
I'm not kidding. There was a swarm of bees over my head.
There was some mothafucking snakes, on the mothafucking plane.
I screamed and started running backwards. I nearly gave this little old white woman a heart attack. She clutched her purse and froze in place. Poor girl probably thought she was about to get mugged by me. But if the bees weren't there, I probably would have mugged her ass. Times are tough.
Thankfully, I was not attacked by the bees. But it certainly has reminded me that I'm just a tiny speck, on this tiny earth, and that I cannot control everything. And with those two acts of god today, I was able to take a deep breath and enjoy the sunshine.
So dear reader, if you are stressed, I suggest earthquake or bee swarm therapy.
Or dendrophilia. Having sex with a tree is your business. I won't judge.
ciao for now fucka!
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