Monday, February 8, 2010
WHY I LOVE WHITE WOMEN AND YOU SHOULD TOO (And YES Semites Are Included)
Who's that? Listen, I refuse to say WHO DAT. Because then you'll say "see I told you, they can't really be writers! They can't speak even speak English." I also refuse to use contractions. Undignified.
I hope your voices are hoarse, you polished off the ice cold kegger in lieu of coffee this am and your bellies bloated with gumbo. Thank God the Saints won! Now you can finally dump that guilt you've been carrying about Katrina all these years. If the Saints had lost, we would've screamed bloody murder and blamed it on FOX news pundits. I'm sure they were standing by pitch forks in hands licking their chops waiting for a defeat. Too bad you ass munches! It was a good game. And y'know, congrats to the Colts too. Ion't give a damn about Indiana, but 'preciate a black coach. All jokes aside, congrats to NOLA it was well deserved. I cannot wait to sit back and watch this city flourish. And not because they have a newly elected mayor who happens to be white. Wink.
Is it me or does anyone else get a warm gooey feeling when they see a commercial for The Jewelery Exchange? I don't need fancy Super Bowl commercials with noted stars and athletes endorsing lame ass chicken or smart phones. I prefer the genius campaign behind The Jewelry Exchange. First of all this jeweler carries ALL KINDS of diamonds that are GIA certified and they have stores in every state (Well Illinois and California at least)! And to top it off? The sales associate gather in the center of the room and wave at the camera. Now come on. Doesn't that make you want to go? And buy blood diamonds? Somedays I wave back at the TV, certain that someone in Jewerly Exchangeland feels my love and adoration.
Speaking of sparkly diamonds, I was speaking to my good pal Catie the other day. Catie is one of those chics you meet and at first glance you think "wow she's so pretty..." then after talking to her for about 34 seconds you wanna knock back beers with her and challenge her to an arm wrestling match.
Catie is an actor here in Los Angeles. She is quite talented and hardworking. You would think a tall good looking white girl would have no problem booking Pert commercials or a guest star on Remington Steele (sorry I've been watching all of my classic TV dvds since TV IS DEAD). But Catie's no fool. We all know every Tom Dick and Beyonce call themselves actors. So you have to find a day job. Catie's would be day job? Law Enforcement.
She took the test, passed with flying colors. She's fit as hell and seems like a perfect candidate. But she was turned down from the academy because...well her demographic was considered undesirable. Right now there's a shortage of law enforcement officers in Los Angeles. I sure in hell can't tell, cuz they have a crew of ninjas that swoop in to give you traffic tickets. But anyway, she was told there was a need for Asian (especially Korean), Latino, and African American. So the short of it is, it appears Catie was disqualified because she's white.
Now, I'm not here to debate Affirmative Action or none of that bullshit. I like Catie. And if a hottie like that pulled me over, I wouldn't be so upset. But it just got me to thinking about all of the white women I adore. So here's my short list.
WHITE WOMEN I LOVE
Catie B...hang in there sis!
Virginia Madsen....two words: CANDY MAN.
Debra Winger....Brilliant actress, the voice of ET (and a semite!).
Margaret Sanger ...Suffuragette and the reason we have Planned Parenthood.
Betty White....gangsta of TV LAND.
Diana Vreeland....mother to Andre Leon Talley.
Coco Chanel....need I say more?
Miss Piggy...the original domestic abusive diva.
Laura Eason...a brilliant writer, actor and directress.
Carol Channing...though she is part negress, she is still a white woman I love.
Janice from the Muppet Show....a stoned band member of Electric Mayhem.
Stevie Nicks....Rock Icon. She's gotta dudes name, but is all woman.
Lois Pewterschmitt Griffin....devoted wife and mother. Citizen of Quahog.
Liza Minelli...Star. Seriously my life would be NOTHING with my muse LiZa.
Gwen Verdon...Dancer. Actor. sexy red head twirling mama long legs.
Jeanne Cooper...she's 80 something and still a star on Young & The Restless
That's the short list. So even though I might cuss y'all out when you cut me off in traffic, flip your hair too close to my face while standing in line, ask if my hair is "real" or take all of the black NFL NBA NHL MLB players and become their wives,monopolize the covers of every frigging magazine, get Oscar nominations for taking care of unwanted black football players, adopting all the Blasian kids from developing nations... white women I still love you.
Okay, gotta go call unemployment now.
NEXT BLOG: EMBRACING YOUR BUNIONS.