Tuesday, January 26, 2010

14 Reasons I'm So G_damned Awesome!

Ciao lovers,

I send you greetings and salutations from the overcast skies of Los Angeles. After 6 days of rain, hail, water spouts, mudslides and people smelling like wet dogs SoCal enjoyed 2 days of dry weather. But like Annie Lenox sings "Here comes the rain. Or maybe it's not rain, but god watching Precious again.

All is well on my planet. I mean could complain but I won't. However I will share a few things with you, that I'm learning to laugh at. So for starters, I've made several attempts to file for unemployment. And as you may know, CA is in a shithole deficit and so am I. Awesome.

And for the record, I think prostitution should be made legal. And not because I've resorted to such measures. But a good bj or hj should be rewarded with food vouchers or gas cards. That's all I'm saying. Awesome.

Next month I'm due for a gyne visit. But guess who has two thumbs and no health insurance? This girl. I hope this concoction of Boric Acid, lavender, baking soda and yogurt works.

Whats that? Oh fuck off. Listen, I'm not gonna apologize for making you "uncomfortable" reader. There is no shame in women's health. Still squeamish? VAGINA. LABIA MAJORA & MINOR. UTERUS. CERVIX. MON PUBIS. I've got one and I'm proud of it goddammit. Awesome.

During this bout of unemployment, I've become totally dedicated to the gym. My trainer treats me like a Marine and most of the women lower their eyes when I walk by them. I feel like I'm channeling the great African Queen Nzingha. So while these hoes are selling wolf tickets cuz they've done 1 mile on the tread mill, I'm selling tickets to the gun show, cuz I cock diesel baby. Gaduzzzzzh! My arms are glorious. And my abs are so tough. Talk about a 6 pack. Enuf to make Billy Dee Williams wanna revive his Schlitz Malt Liquor campaign. Awesome.

I'm writing two plays and a teleplay. And ion't have the slightest idea what the hell any of them are about. Awesome.

All of my friends back home seem to think I lead a glamorous and important life. Meetings, premieres, interviews and charity events. In reality it's twitter, facebook, Bad Girls Club on Oxygen, and eating cereal for dinner. Awesome.

But in the midst of this shit storm, I am strangled with blessings. I have true and loyal friends, loved ones, a commercial agent that lauds me all over town, colleagues across the nation that respect me, my car Gigi that cannot drive in reverse because she needs a transmission, but she gets me there and this weave is holding up pretty good. So life is splendid. Not to mention, I've got arms that'll make Michelle Obama run back to Women's Work Out World to do some more push ups. And that's boss playa. Awesome.

Ciao for now kiddies,


1 comment:

C2 said...

fcuk yeah and hit me up if you need a good free gyne.