I'm So GLAAD That Damn Award Show Ended

Well, I've slept on it. And have made peace with the fact that I will probably piss off a few folks with this post. Maybe not...I think this may be viewed as a Battle Hymn.

I thought I was going to an award show, but ended up at the circus.

So last night the cast, crew and production team behind a wonderful play called As Much As You Can (produced in 2008 by Hendel West at Celebration Theatre in WeHo) were honored with a GLAAD Media Award nomination for best theatrical production. It's an exciting thing, I tell you when a group of high powered gays anoint you with a nomination. I attended the GLAAD awards last year with my younger brother and we had a ball! It was at the Kodak in Hollywood and was the perfect mixture of civil rights meets glam. We had the time of our life!

Are you wondering what GLAAD is? Well remember, I like Kathy Griffith have known for years that I love gay people. I've been gay adjacent from my days of attending a performing arts high school and as an adult a proud supporter of this Lesbian Gay Bi-Sexual Transgender organization. So you see GLAAD is basically an anti-defamation league. Okay enough about that, dear reader...you're quite savvy and will google for more info or simply go to their site http://www.glaad.org

Where was I? Oh so we get the nod, great. Beg co-worker to relieve my last hour so that I can drive from Venice to Downtown, great. Wear the hooker shoes, great. Apply the eyelashes, great. Tussy, great! Borrow money I ain't got to pay for my ticket, great. It's all working out right? GREAT.

So why the fck was this the wackest evening on record?
The show droned on for hours filled with presenters who could not read the teleprompter. It felt like 15 hours of suffering. And my dear reader, I was dry. I had not a drip of alcohol in my body to deal with this tom foolery.

5 minutes before the hostess Coco Peru took the stage, the producers of GLAAD disarmed her. They took away all that queens material! I'm so serious. They didn't approve of her prepared show because they didn't want to "offend" anyone. Really? You ask a legendary drag queen to host your show then get scared that she might coon and offend the high powered gays? I get it. There are plenty of times when I cringe at the black comedian host. That's how the show started. Her telling us that she'd be winging it...

The show had some sobering moments. Like the apparent suicide of an 11 year old boy last week. He was teased for being gay.

Prop 8 debates. Battleground states fighting for civil rights (Go NY Governor Patterson Go!)
Reports of vicious attacks and murders...slander and ignorance.

There was also an abundance of inspiration. The spirit of Harvey Milk was alive and well. We also got to hear the first openly gay bishop speak. Gene Robinson received and award and he was quite the speaker. I was moved and motivated to fight for civil rights all over again.

Noted cool moments: Ellen DeGeneres' new hair cut. Very butch, very punk.

Wilson Cruz (who SHOULD HAVE HOSTED) made us all laugh. I love Wilson.

Supreme goddess Kathy Griffith accepting her Vanguard Award in a bikini. A funny bitch who is truly hated in the so called Hollywood circles. I hope to meet her. I love her. And she made fun of Janet Jackson. Hilarious.

What Were They Thinking Moment? Cheyenne Jackson singing Sam Cooke. I love you boo, but that ain't yo' song!

WTF moment? So many to name...two words: ADAM SHANKMAN. That fool almost got his ass whupped by Nichelle Nichols. Just wait. It'll be on YouTube soon.

Saddest moment of the night? Watching Jennifer Holiday sing. I'm so serious. It was the shock of the night. She closed the show with "And I'm Telling You..."

She was the saddest clown I'd ever seen in the big top.

And The Award Goes To...

Hey kids!

So thanks to my good judy Jen (Queer is one of the many languages that I am fluent in. "Judy" is gay talk for friend. I am not gay, however I am gay adjacent.) I was a guest at the 2009 Independent Spirit Awards held on the beach front in Santa Monica, CA. When my judy offered me her extra ticket, I politely declined because I had to work (what a silly b*tch I can be at times). When I said "no, thanks" she looked at me like I had just wiped my arse with the latest edition of Vogue magazine. "You sure? It's gonna be pretty rad. And you can network."

I had to take a moment to think about this. Yes, I live in LA and it's easy to get caught in "this town sucks, and I'm gonna prove I'm NOT LA. Hollyweird is so fake. I don't DO networking. I don't need to go to fancy restaurants and hang with the in crowd. I'm happy eating pb&j, and facing the slightest bit of humiliation at church for drinking gulps of wine at communion, cuz I can't spare the extra funds to buy a bottle. So I'm not gonna go to some stupid award show." After my judy looked at me like she did, I reconsidered and said "Fck it. I'm going. And I'm getting shitty sharp."

And I did folks. I found a stunning DKNY jumpsuit accompanied by my Idia D'ega bamboo sweater for the day time, gold Calvin Klein mary janes and for good measure I changed into my vintage Chloe tuxedo jacket for the evening. I shellacked my hair with some Dudleys, greased up my lips, and spayed enough perfume so that I was smelling like a Harlem sissy.

Jen and I both looked fierce (she was rocking this 40s Chanel look) and we promenaded our asses up in there like the other celebrities. And we were rewarded with Moet Champagne and Jameson Whiskey (yah, that's what they give you upon arriving...did I mention it was 1pm?) Salut!

If you've never been to a film award show, imagine all of your favorite He-Man toys lined up on a shelf waiting for you to ooh and ah. I saw He-Man, Skeletor (so much plastic surgery), Man-At-Arms and the list goes on. I also met and chatted with John Malchovich, Kasi Lemmons & Vondie Curtis Hall, the awesome Lori Petty, brilliant poet/actor Beau Sia, my husband Chiwetel Ejofor, and wait for it, wait for it: JOHN MOTHAFCKN WATERS. Ohh I just bussed a nut again.

I saw many others, but was either too shy to speak or simply chose not to. It was nice watching the animals roam around in their natural habitat. Although I regret not saying hello to my favorite actress Debra Winger--she was far away, and I couldn't wipe the drool from my mouth in time. Taraji P. Henson was fierce and seemed like a cool chic. Kerry Washington is a true lolipop. Big head, lil body. I'm kidding. She's quite lovely...stunning actually. But not better looking than me.

The after party at Shutters was even more bizarre than the awards themselves. More booze and lackluster food. People that you would never place together were hanging out like some big Homecoming party. Danny Masterson (That 70s Show) was the DJ and the parade of Hollyweird continued.

It was weird to see John Waters chatting with Mary Kate Olson.
Thrilling to see how handsome Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) is in person.
Excellent to have Blair Underwood start a conversation with me at the bar.
Encouraging for Joel Michaely (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) tell me that he couldn't wait to work with me in a film.

You may not know who Joel Michaely is. He's what some may call a middle class actor. He's quite talented, has worked consistently in this town, and is a nice guy. I approached him and told him how much I adored his work (He's done a lot of small, but unforgettable roles in my eyes) and he couldn'tve been more gracious and kind. We chatted for a while and at the end he said "I can tell you're a fierce b*tch and I can't wait to work with you. I know we're gonna do a film together, so remember this moment." We kissed and parted ways. And he's right. I can't wait to work with him. I'll never forget that moment at the zoo. All the animals pumped with champagne and swag bags.

All in all I'm glad I went. It was a great day! I learned a lot and in the words of Edith Head "You can have anything you want, if you dress for it." She's right. I was up in there, like all them other fools taking it all in. Some of it ain't for me, but in the end its a business. And I didn't come to Los Angeles to fck around. I came here to conquer.

Joel Michaely thinks I'm a fierce b*tch. That's queer talk for champion.