Saturday, August 20, 2011

Big Trouble In Little China


I know I know I KNOW! I ain't talked to you since King died.  But don't go rioting and destroying all around you because your rollicking wet nurse is here with curdled milk to nourish your soul.

So, summer's end is nigh and I hope it's been a good one for you.  I hate the heat, but love Summer. It's filled with family reunions, county Fairs, parades, music & wine festivals. Shakespeare in the Park, boat rides, block club parties, movies in the park, and glorious beer gardens.  Summer isn't all playtime though. I know some of you girls (and boys) have worked out tirelessly in the gym to show off that six pack, and tight bums in order to attract some good summer dick meat. Well good for you hookers! I hope you are getting it. I hope that you are sporting bed head and spending your last nickels on prophylactics. As you should. Keep it safe and clean.  You don't want to mess up that bikini line with a nasty case of genital wart's. 

Summer can also be aggravating and incites the worst behavior.  There are way more drunken assholes on the street, salon challenged women with their expired weaves; and nothing makes me throw up in my mouth more than the sight of scantily clad women.  I like sexy, but keep it classy fuckers!  Just a few weeks ago while I was walking down Michigan Avenue with my mother, and a trendy hipster passes us with major camel toe. Naturally she was wearing sunglasses that made her look like some fucking alien from Dr. Who and she was sipping on some coffee-chino. This chile thought she was American Apparel shitty sharp okay? Nose in the air, tresses in the wind and and a "freshly fucked" expression about her face. No sooner than she passed us my mother quipped "Now why these women think a pussy print is fashionable? What a failure."  <---see where I get it from? My mother is insanely funny.

Summer is also time for transition.  It's the point of the year when you look at the calender and realize you'd better book your holiday travel, because the end of the year is right around the corner.  September approaches and it's back to school, the start of theatre season, and most people return from hiatus.  I myself took some time away from the computer so that I could get re-focused with my thoughts. I am in the midst of great we all are. I'm not special, and this is far from tooting my own horn.  I try to approach my writing with honesty, and it's hard to do when your thoughts are foggy.

But I saw the light house from afar and it guided me to land. The hiatus is over--although, really I never stop working. My brain never stops creating, and it's a blessing I try not to forget.  Like today, I literally woke up at 4:47am.  I could not get back to sleep. I think God nudged me and said "Girl, get up and go till that soil. I know you're hungover, but get up and reap." I said "But I don't wanna get up. Its early and I'm worried about those bills, and my negative bank account. And my car--God I think my car has Parkinson's disease. It keeps shaking and I don't know how to make it stop.  Oh God, I'm sorry I don't mean to make fun of people with Parkinson's. Aww man, who does that? Why did you make me such a heartless hosebag?  Speaking of hearts I think I'm on the bone marrow registry. But I didn't update my information. What if they're looking for my bone marrow for some sick fucker and they don't have my current information? Oh my god, someone will die because of me. I'm a murderer. I also like to suck the marrow out of fried chicken when I'm stoned and eating. Isn't that horrible? And I feel fat. God, I feel fat. How can I feel fat, and people are fucked up in Somalia? I'm SO American. A fat fucking over sleeping Yankee. See God, this is why I like to sleep...because it stops me from thinking. So let me just sleep a while longer? K?Mmkay."

God said "First of all, fat is not a feeling. Second of all, get yo rambling ass up, and let me worry about all that. Now drink some coffee and get some work done 'fore I smite you."
Yeah, God and I have the best conversations.

She knows some days I don't want to create and I am weary in my spirit.  My acting career seems distant, and I can't write for shit. I feel hopeless every time I read on Playbill about yet another casting I was not considered for. Or a colleague causally mentions "Yeah I just had an appointment for the new Quentin Tarantino movie." Or I'll go nuts over some fucking stunt casting like "Nicki Minaj slated to play Rosa Parks" or Jennifer Hudson plays "Winnie Mandela."  Okay, so Nicki is not playing Rosa but J Hud is playing Winnie. Sorry to get down on a fellow Chicagoan, but it's hard out here for blactresses. Trained actors are being pushed to the side for bundle packages: singers who want to be in movies, have a huge twitter following and can also do the soundtrack.

But that's a ranting for another post.  I do hope J-Hud delivers a decent performance and Winnie Mandela.  She works hard and I admire her courage and hustle. 

J Hud might be going to South Africa, but she ain't the only daughter of the South Side taking over the world like Alexander the Great. Mummy is on the move people! I'll be packing my bags in 3 weeks and heading to the Peoples Republic of China. Ni Hao bitches! That's right! I'm going to Mothafuckin China! I'll be taking jail pose pictures like a G in front of the Great Wall! I be in Shangai and Xiomen and hopefully I can get some wholesale weave, right from the makers. I still really haven't processed it all...It's exciting and a bit nerve wracking. I keep thinking that the Chinese government will read my blog and say "NO! She is a dirty mouth girl. She cannot come here! She is remedial in math and no play violin! NO."  But I love Chinese culture. I watch Iron Chef all the time.  And MASH is one of my favorite TV shows. Or is that Japanese culture I like? No matter. They're all the same.

I prepare to take my bigoted ghetto ass to the Orient, I have to pause and thank those who have made this possible. My sincere gratitude to the folks at Theatre Communications Group (TCG) and ITI, notably my mentor Emylia Cachapero.  A small batch of artists have been drafted from around the world to go to China for 2 weeks in September. We will see how the Chinese create theatre, and also perform while we are there. Delegates from Sweden, Sudan, Mexico, Norway and the US to name a few. I was selected as a delegate to represent the United States. Yep, little ol me. Now I'll find out what Dim Sum is! Instead of saying "Dim sum dope ass shoes!" I'll be able to say "我愛點心".

Well darlings, I am back and do hereby solemnly swear to chronicle my fuckery with more frequency. And I'd love to hear from you and know how your summer has been. Do drop a hello in the comment box or give a shout on twitter. My handle is @DoctaSlick.

Alright, I've got to do my Rosetta Stone lesson in Mandarin.
Ciao for now fuckers,

NEXT BLOG: Why Rick Perry deserves to have a dent kicked in his fucking nuts.

Chinese American film icon ANNA MAY WONG



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