How are mummy's little possums? Oh how I miss you skeezers! Salutations from Hells Anus, better known as Los Angeles. Where the women are fine, the men are good looking and the children run all the sweat shops.
I do hope your summer is filled with all kinds of delightful shenanigans and merriement. My wish for you, is that your bank accounts are in the black, your trash bins are filled to the rim with condom wrappers and that no one noticed you pee in the pool. That's what summer is all about isn't it? Respite from the year round dullness? Believe it or not, here in Los Angeles we celebrate summer. I know you're thinking "well the weather is perfect year round there you filthy hag!" Tis true, we have pretty good weather year round. But in the summer time, Angelenos really flourish. The beaches are packed with families, there are curtain-raising Shakespearean plays for free, concerts at the Hollywood bowl--and the best of all? Sitting on your balcony scantily clad, enjoying Kush whilst the Daria DVD blasts in the background. <-----highly recommended.
And as for the rest of you darlings trapped in the awful heat wave that has blanketed Chicagoland, the Valley, Eastern seaboard and down south...well hang in there. Though its hotter than the devils twat, it doesn't mean you can't have fun. Girls you must fight the heat, with fashion and remain dignified. Keep an atomizer with you at all times so that you appear lady like. Every girl should have a dainty handkerchief to blot the skin. Keep your hair in a neat bun--oh, who am I kidding? I HATE THE HEAT. I don't do well in hot weather, and I look like a truck driver. My skin goes acne happy, and I look like a Nestle Crunch bar. Y'all know on the inside, I'm nothing but and old white woman, so I refuse to stop drinking coffee or booze when it's hot. I know you're thinking "How bad can it be when you have a great rack like you do Slick?" Well thank you for asking. Though I have tits of steel, it's quite the challenge when the heat index is out of control. Don't be fooled by what you see on reality TV. Having big boobs during a heatwave feels like punishment. #UnderwireInsight
So drink plenty of water and don't skimp on the popsicles. My lord, when it's hot I can't get enough of them. But you know, people get all weird about where or how you choose to use that popsicle to cool off--I mean come on. It's not like it says on the box "Thanks for purchasing this Frozen High Fructose Corn Syrup on a stick. USDA demands that you only use via the mouth." It's not like it's Vicks Vapor Rub...I just don't understand why people get so touchy about that sort of thing. Okay fine, so what it's a church. Using them to stay cool during service may not be appreciated. But I'm pretty sure some where in the bible it says "And Lilith cooleth her under tit with a creamsicle. She refuseth to be hot and funky." Then there's another passage "And her bunny was cooled by the popsicle." We have Lilith (Adam's first wife) to thank for feminine freshness not his other wifey Eve. But somehow we're stuck with all of these stupid douche commercials about keeping it cool and fresh and going to skip in a park. Summer's Eve my eye. LILITH DID IT FIRST! #FeminismIsHot
All jokes aside, I do want you sexually virile pricks to take precautions and wrap it up. Summer is a time of booty calls and all kinds of fuckery. Literally. So before you allow that chap to marinate his penis in your vag, make sure it's covered with a jimmy hat. And if he says he doesn't like the feeling of a prophylactic, punch him square in the dick. Grab his wallet, while he's balled over and head for the door. Same thing goes for you boys. Punch that girl square in her labia and dump all her tampons down the garbage disposal. That'll teach her to pass on protection. And boys on boys. Wrap those demi-cannons! And girls on girls. You fuckers wrap it up, rainbow style! Mummy loves you all, and doesn't care who or how you plow. I just don't want your Charlie Browns to corrode and fall into the toilet one day. The human anatomy is just too pretty to get fucked up by syphilis.
Well this has been a PSA from Mistress Slick. I hope you will celebrate your bawdy glory. Safely.
ciao for now,
NEXT BLOG: Warning about how sex can lead to relationships. And children. The shocking proof.