Many are you are terrified by events of the world today. Natural disasters, crazed dictators, and union woes. Never to worry possum, mummy is here with plenty of bullshit to distract you. So go ahead and pee on the preggers test stick. Pop another Xanax. Turn off the work cell phone. I present to you the best 6 fucking minutes of distraction with Slick News.
BULLSHIT THAT SHOULDN'T MATTER BUT KEEPS US INTERESTED
The 30 Mile Zone
Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have ended their long term relationship and they're both still millionaires with projects and endorsements lined up, so who the fuck cares? #crymeariver
Lilo is awaiting another court date. If the judges throws the book at her, she will be bumping pussies with some amazon looking inmate named Tina. #Lindsaywillbethevictor
Charlie Sheen's home was raided last night. Some snitch called up Po Po's and said he had firearms and made threats to harm himself. So all the flat foot man power went to Chuck's house only to find an antique rifle from the 1800s and a few bullets. This isn't upsetting because here in the lawless city of Los Angeles, we don't need police presence to help where it's actually needed, right? I myself went on a crime spree last night. I jay walked, I defaced dollar bills, and I even removed tags from pillows on a drunken rampage in Target. Jesus fuck, I'm all for the protection of children but seriously what about the kids in danger that live south of the 10 freeway? #notwinning
John Galliano is still getting his ass handed to him for allegedly being a bigot. Why can't this dummy stitch his mouth shut like his expensive ass couture? #shutyourpiehole #longashedidn'tcallthemniggers
Speaking of Hilter and all things evil, Eva Braun his ride or die bitch who is being spit roasted in hell as we speak, was a darling of the internet yesterday. Rarely seen photo's of Adolph's wife (they married days before they took a cowardly exit) surfaced on the web. Eva was pictured in black face ala Al Jolson. I overheard a few people yesterday exclaiming their shock over the images. Really? After those mothafuckas killed millions of Jews, Gays, and other "undesirables" ya'll are shocked about her being in "blackface?" Hell, even Beyonce did blackface. Hahaaaa just kidding Sascha Fierce! (wink) #HopeJefferyDahmerEatsthisNazibitchinHell
Well guess we won't be chubby chasing these people anymore : Soon to be HRH Cate Middleton, Jonah Hill, Raven Symone, and Re Re Franklin. All have made the news in the last few days because of their noticeable weight loss victories. #rewardsfortheskinny
SHIT THAT MATTERS
Hatfield's v McCoy's
The dung has been slung in Wisconsin with the labor movement suffering a terrible defeat. 2012 ain't far away, and you know they're gonna attack the Republicans at the ballots, right? But until then, can't they recall Scott Walker?? Generally I hate Wisconsin because of the Greenbay Packers, but I'm willing to put my hatred aside to support Wisconsin citizens. Strip walls of paint, don't strip public employee's of bargaining rights. Shame on you assholes. #really?
Ivory Coast, Egypt, & Libya are all in Africa People
The small nation of Cote d'Ivoire is spiraling into what may be yet another brutal civil war. But their story isn't all that different from Egypt, and Libya...but somehow their struggle is lost in translation. Tell me, what's so different about these countries that are all on the same continent? Laurent Gbagbo is clinging to power just like Gaddafi's crazy ass. Again, turmoil isn't new to this region, but how 'bout we give a damn about these Africans too. So while you're in the 99cent only store purchasing Jesus candles for Egypt & Libya, scoop one up for Ivory Coast. Their protesters are being annihilated as well. #hmph #GaddafilookslikeamemberofDeBarge
Gabrielle Giffords gets the warrior award of the day. She is recovering and even took a few steps. Sending you love and light my warrior goddess. Can't hold a good girl down. #winning
Viewers Like You
So Public Broadcasting is in danger--like most American institutions. So if you can, drop a dime, a letter, or put a message in a bottle let Congress know that we can't have this bullshit. NPR, PBS, and local news can all be affected. Yay or Nay, let your voice be heard. #boo!
Devastating. We are sending you love and support.
Okay kittens, there's your bowl of milk. Girls, don't let him "stick the tip in" without a condom. Boys help an old lady across the street. And don't be an asshole. If you booze hand the keys over and hail a cab. You just might get lucky, and end up in the Cash Cab. Now get out of here ya little scamp.