Monday, January 24, 2011

Slick's Picuyane Tribune Times. Weather, Sports, Religion, Science, Fashion & Tom Foolery. News That You Love.

Ciao fuckers!

Time to rub yourself off while reading this news report!

Ballot or the Bullet?
Say it ain't so! They done kicked my man Rahm Emmanuel off the Chicago mayoral ballot.  The Illinois
appellate panel overturned two previous decisions and ruled that Emanuel is not eligible to run because he moved to Washington D.C. for two years blah blah blah blah. Look, that mothafucka needs to be on the ballot. He's short, looks good in a suit, has a terrible mouth, and the White House sure as hell don't want him back. Sooooooo let him join the roster of would-be mayors!  I know people don't like him, but I like the guy. Doesn't mean I endorse him. I just enjoy political theatre and we shouldn't kill off this leading man just yet.  I'm sure he can take some of that Hollyweird money and grease a few palms to get back in the race. Good luck fucker.

Pig Skin Covered in Tears
Well lets get right to it. Yesterday was awful. I mean just fucking terrible. The Bears loss was worse than being stood up at the altar.  Worse than having your kidney transplant go awry because the medivac people forgot to put the new organ on ice in the cooler. Worse than when Mr. Hooper died on Sesame Street.  Worse than when Radar reported that Colonel Henry Blake died over the sea of Japan on M*A*S*H.  Worse than any Eddie Murphy record. A devastating blow. Today most of us Chicago Bears fans look like the people on the cover of those Family Planning Clinic brochures: Ashamed, lost and sad...just sad.  I won't spend too much time on the Bears, because I've only got 2 Valiums left and my blood pressure can't take it--but I'll say this much: Jay Cutler, you are worse than when I don't wipe my ass properly after dropping a deuce, and I spend the rest of the day itching.  You are worse than that.  I've never cared for Jerk Boy as a player...and typically I don't show mercy for multi-millionaires...but I wish you a speedy recovery Mr. Cutler.  A torn MCL ain't no joke. Go with your rockstar health care and heal.

The World At Large
Terror Abroad and Home Grown
*Moscow, Russia
At least 35 killed and 100 injured by a suspected suicide bomber at Domodedovo airport. 

*Phoenix, Arizona
The coward Jared Loughner entered a "not guilty" plea in court today. He stands to be charged for an array of charges following the tragic shooting in Tuscon earlier this month.  And if you've been watching the news, those who "knew" him all had stories about how he seemed "off" or "mentally disturbed." I don't give a fuck. We don't need a trial and jury in this case.  We just need to take him to the producers of Beyond Scared Straight and let those inmates handle this monster. Diabla would handle his ass, trust me.

*Detroit, Michigan
Chaos and pandemonium broke out a a precinct in Detroit when a gunman walk into the station and opened fire shooting 4 police officers, including a commander.  Needless to say, the gunman is dead--but it is a sad, but sobering reminder that law enforcement officers aren't safe in the field or behind closed doors. Yikes.

Here's some candy for your nose: The Oscar nominations come out in the morning! YES! More self congratulatory bullshit programming for the masses. And after that big bad wolf Ricky Gervais hurt the feelings of Tinseltown with his mean spirited jokes and bad English teeth, this for sure will be retribution! No mean award host(s) here right--America's sweethart Anne Hathaway and superman James Franco will make us forget about our underemployed woes. 

It's been proven by scientist in Greenland, that men who wear Uggs are more likely to get laid. Go on, fellas. Give it a try.

Alright kids, I've just spotted the mailman so you know what that means. I have to harass him to see if my aid check is in the post. I gotta make it to the check cashing place before they close!




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