Well it's that time of the year! The holiday season---make no mistake about it, you will witness the absolute best and worst of people. Arguments over who's gravy is better. What to do about mom's back taxes on the house? Why did he bring his mistress to dinner? Don't eat Aunt Ella's pie (she got roaches at her house). Hide the flat screens cuz Man Man coming over, and he still on that narcotic. Courtney just got lap band so she can't eat, what a fucking drama queen. Who gets lap band 3 days before Thanksgiving? She just wants the spotlight for herself. Kelly still owes me $387.00, he won't return my calls--is he coming tonight. Okay so it's wrong to say homo? Well what the fuck do well call them? I"m not congratulating them on getting married, they're two men. NO!
Some Thanksgiving gatherings are not only annoying but damn right nerve-wracking. You may find yourself in one of these mind chaffing "scenarios"
Sweet Judas, I'm the only white person at this Thanksgiving dinner. Okay I can handle this. I feel so out of place. All the men look like Steve Harvey in their suits. Why did I wear this sweater from American Eagle. Shit, I should've worn Phat Farm to show "I'm down". I'm down? Oh shuddup Mark, don't be an asshole. We're post racial. No one cares that I'm white. And that I didn't vote for Obama. Fuck. Okay Mark, avoid all talk about politics. I thought it was Naders time. Oh wait, I'll score major points if I bring up Shirley Chisholm. Yeah, that's it. Why is this prayer taking so long? Are you thanking Jesus for the cheese in the macaroni?? The foods getting cold. Not a big deal--wait, why are they serving macaroni and spaghetti? WHAT THE FUCK IS 7UP CAKE? String beans come in a can? Chit-lins...come on Mark you've practiced how to say it. Chiit-leens...not chitterlings. Chitter--chitty chitty bang bang. Oh pay attention, they're still praying. Why do black people eat this way? Why is she still praying? We're supposed to play cards after dinner, all the men. God I don't know what Bidwhist is, but I pray its like poker. Oh god, what if they start taking about black movies, and I can't join in on the fun? Quick I can download the Color Purple on my iPhone here...Good no one is looking... I need some wine. Great. Franznia? Boxed wine? Kool-aid. Is that guy still poking his finger for Diabetes? Aren't they gonna let that poor tethered Pit Bull back inside? Aren't pets apart of the family for blacks? This is dismal...Should I keep dating this black woman????"
"Sweet Jesus, I'm the only black person at this Thanksgiving dinner. Okay I can handle this. If this bitch ask me if my hair is real one more time, I'ma snatch that oxygen tank from up under her. Damn these ofays ain't even gone pray over the food? How they just gone start eating? And what the fuck is jello surprise? Where is the cornbread in this stuffing? I know they ain't used no damned baguette to make this dressing? Oh they call it stuffing. Right. Ooh these plates are nice. Damn they use cloth napkins? Umph. Why is there marshmellows on top of them sweet potatoes? That turkey don't look done at all---wait, I know they didn't put pomegranate seeds on top the turkey?! WHAT THE FUCK IS TURKDUCKEN?? What in the name of Mammy shall I do? That roast beef is bleeding! That hoe bet not put that on my plate "oh thank you Aunt Hilda". Ain't that a bitch? Like I want some bloody meat. Why are there whole cranberries? Ion't fucking care if it's from your familys cranberry grove, I like canned cranberry that looks like a loaf. Oh my god. Mashed potatoes? Ughl, they let the dog into the house? White people nasty. Dogs belong outside tied up. I'ma stab it if that thing comes over here. Well there's no shortage of booze. White people sure do drink a lot. Gross, gramps is looking at me like he wants to bantu all over my body. Gone somewhere old creepy white uncle. You ain't bout to colonize my body. Pass the Macallan please. What? A family walk after dinner? Are they serious? Okay Tyesha--be cool. Just because the teenager at the table asked you to show the family how to do the dance "The Dougie" don't mean you're back on the auction block. Fuck! This is dismal....Should I be dating this white man???
So prepare for global dysfunction. Now, I know you're thinking "what kind of bullshit is she typing? Thanksgiving is a North American tradition--the rest of the world could give a fuck." This is true dear reader, but because I am a proud American I can tell you now that the only holidays that matter, are the ones we celebrate. And I'm a certain that there are people right now in Djibouti that are cracking back cold ones watching the game, slicing up some bird and fighting with their siblings.
I myself am enjoying Irish coffee to further my pledge of global thanksgiving. So my coffee is from Columbia, my whiskey Gaelic, and my pot is grown locally. Speaking of food instead of stressing over a rustic menu ala "the kind your mom would make" I've opted for my own tradition. You see I like to uphold the immigrant tradition that folds into thanksgiving--so for me it's chicken (well that's no surprise...I am Black after all), lamb burgers--yes that's right. A flattened ball of spicy mutton for my North Africans, a spicy Parmesan kale & green bean dish from Italy, cous cous from the east, and for desert I'm making an apple tarte tatin for France. Yeah---my shit is global.
*I should also note, I was stoned when I made the menu and went shopping for it. I woke up this morning and looked in the fridge like "what is this shit? Why is there lamb meat mixed with apples?? What the fuck happened?" I guess I called myself prepping last night. Now I have a bowl of mixed apples and meat. This shit is gross. Please note, it is never a good idea to cook stoned.
But I'm grateful for moments like this. It takes the pressure off of being perfect--and more importantly acknowledging that I cannot replicate a menu like Vera Brooks. I will miss Mami's dressing and macaroni this year--but lord willing, years from now my own kid will be in therapy because every year "mummy would try to recreate dishes from around the world, and she did it stoned. Now I fucking hate Thanksgiving. Who fries chicken for thanksgiving? I mean what the fuck?! I never want to see pickled cows tongue again. My mother is a terrible person."
It warms my heart to think years from now, my spawn will hate his dysfunctional mother. And for this, I give thanks. I also give thanks to you dear reader along with my family and friends.
So I hope this day is filled with booze, guilt over the Indians and of course Football. American Football! Not that pansy crap that every other country plays, running around with no pads on. Pshaw. USA! USA! USA!
I am the luckiest chick on the planet. I have so much to be grateful for. So thanks for listening to this empty, shallow, vapid, ne'er do well broad.
NEXT BLOG: WHY WHITE PEOPLE INSIST ON THIS FUCKERY FOR HOLIDAY MENUS