Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Kris Kingle & Old Man Winter's Gang Bang

Ciao fuckers!

Welcome back to Slick's Wonderland. Where the guys are rich, the gals are easy, and pickpockets make off like fat rats in a cheese factory.  Yes friends--you have just lubed up and inserted yourself into a portal of sheer unadulterated happiness. A land where communists, swingers and pot smokers can frolic freely. A place where the emperor knowingly promenades the town square butt naked and dick swinging.   You will not be burdened by bill collectors, final notices or electronic mail from fake ass Nigerians. You will not be inundated with ads for retail sales for shit you know you do not need, nor can afford.  Cum stained/coke nosed dilettante socialites will not dictate your beauty in Slick's Wonderland. So when you look into the mirror give thanks for your crooked schnoz, dull hair, and acne prone skin because here, it will get you far in life. Perfect bodies will be promptly banished.  So possum, you have nothing to be ashamed of! Girls with extra nipples, dudes with man boobs will be loved and adorned.  Gentlemen with uncircumcised penis', and ladies with meat curtains. Meat curtains...come on, play catch up.  You know the extra skin that hangs from the vagina? Haven't you always wondered about when you see them in porno's. Really? Come one! You didn't get a mirror after watching a porno and think "I thought all vagina's looked alike. Why does she have extra--meat hanging?  S'like her pussy is about to give a curtain call after a great performance.  If I had a meat curtain I'd name it Sarah Bernhardt. Nonono! Patti LuPone! Hmmm maybe that's not it. Oh--I get it. Maybe she was she once a large woman, lost the weight and the skin remained? Oh its like a story of redemption. No that couldn't be...well meat curtains don't seem to be a handicap that's for sure. Ewww I hope he sterilized those Scrabble board pieces before shoving it in her. That's it. I'm not going to order this porn movie again. Bookish Sluts is just too much for me.---Oh wait sorry I'm totally getting off track.  Where was I? Oh yes I was talking about the weather.

Old Man Winter is a bout to bust a nut on us all.  He will cover walkways and roads with his white goodness and none of us can escape. Its that time of year when you find it a wee bit hard to wake up on time, because you're in hibernation mode. Even in SoCal the land of Barbie & Ken, it gets a wee bit chilly.  But chilly for us only means we have to put on a jacket and perhaps a hat.  But not all is lost darling.  Winter also brings nuggets of happiness. Hot chocolate, ski trips, cute scarves and elf like hats. Glogg, Nutella spiced mint jelly, egg nogg and all that crazy shit white people have forced us to like.  *A special note to those of you in Chicagoland. A message to the non-white people.  You know how every year that have the Santaland German Village at Daley Plaza??  You pass by it and roll your eyes because you think its corny. Well don't let the wooden Norse looking santa fairy elf carvings fool you. GO. Not because it's family friendly, go because they serve the BEST hot booze.  Last year, I got fucked up in 20 degree weather and I didn't even feel a thing, thanks to the glogg. And it's not the same as heating up a cup of Moscato in the microwave. No you need the Chicago hawk there, and the majesty of the Loop architecture to really enjoy the experience. So the next time you see a white boy in shorts and birkenstocks in 20 degree weather on the EL, don't judge him.  Buddy up with him, and offer to escort him to the Daley center. Because that mothafucka is packing a flask somewhere under neath that alabaster skin and will be so happy to have a new black/mexican/philipino buddy, that he'll buy you Scroogedriver and Noel Nooners all day long.
 
Well you've wasted another perfectly good 4 minutes of your life wanking around on this blogspot.  I hope you've enjoyed my rough musings. It's all to bring a smile to your face, and wood in your pants.  All jokes aside, Shakespeare wasn't kidding when he said All the world's a stage. And we're its players. But this ain't rehearsal, so live life to the fullest! Commit and embrace the theatrics of life! For time is a thief and Jan. 1 is rapidly approaching--and when that stage manager better known as God calls places, then dammit you'd better be ready. READY!

(Lights fade on Slick. The Audience raves. She takes a deep bow, and closes her meat curtain.)

Graze on my lips, and if those hills be dry,
Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie'.
Venis and Adonis by William Shakespeare.

I have no idea what the fuck this blog posting was supposed to be about. But thanks for reading.

ciao kiddies,

x

NEXT BLOG: Hip Hop Mega Star SUCK MY NUTZ goes to India for enlightenment. Hear snippet from his new single ASHRAM BITCHES.
 

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