Need some mid-day fuckery? Well never to worry possum, mummy is here to rescue you from the daycare that you call your job. Get thee to a mirror, right now. Got one? Good. Follow these instructions: Girls unhook your bra, and marvel at your one boob that's smaller than the other. Applaud it's daintiness. Now lift and examine. No, we're not looking for cancerous lumps. We're looking Cheetos and cake crumbs. I know I always find food in my cleavage. Ummm, now isn't that tasty? And sustainable. Fellas unbutton your fly, and let your 3 inches of dangling fury hang loose. Gaze at your wrinkly rhino skin. Now dredge it with a wee bit of Aqua Velva, for I predict some desperate party will come along and adorn it with kisses. Balls, shaft and all. Time for the news!
Politics
Tea Party darling Christine O'Donnell is obviously still suffering from Toxic Shock Syndrome y'all. Yet another university has denied her claim of being alumnae. First it was Oxford, now Claremont University. If that yahoo went to Oxford, then I am the crown princess of Zumunda. Chrissy, stop it. Honey if you believed in masturbation, I can guarantee you wouldn't be such a half cocked asshole. Ugh she annoys me. Wire hanger on that one.
Everybody's favorite trout mouth heathen Rahm Emanuel is expected to announce his departure from the White House on Friday. Inside gossip indicates that he will indeed take the mayoral seat in Chicago. Oh believe me, he won't have to run for shit. Some of you are wondering why he would leave such a high position of power, and go back to a municipality. I think Chicago could use another thug, its what makes our city work. Plus Obama is done with his ass, and don't want him there anymore.
Arts & Entertainment
Somebody grab the mop, cuz mummy just let out the biggest queef in anticipation of her New York City theatre debut as a writer! (Does happy dance) My debut political drama Black Diamond: The Years the Locusts Have Eaten will be one of several plays featured in the New Black Play Fest. See, below.
http://thenewblackplayfest.org
So if you're in or around NYC Oct 16th come and see us! You can take in some loverly theatre and then we can all skip to a nearby watering hole, knock back a few snouts of scotch and pickpocket every white person we see.
Oh I'm just kidding. You know I love white people. Especially Tony Curtis. The screen legend died today. Now if you have no idea who Tony Curtis was, you have no business reading this blog. The Defiant Ones, Some Like It Hot, Spartacus are just a few nuggets of Mr. Curtis' filmography which spans decades. He was nominated for several academy awards and was Hollywood royalty. I personally think his best work was the smooth Stony Curtis on The Flintstones :) We'll miss you fucker.
"If you a man and your over 25 and you don't eat pu**y just kill your self damn it. The world will be a better place. Lol," he tweeted on Thursday. #yes
Alright kiddies. You've just wasted another 7 minutes of your life on this blog. Now go back to your families and make Hamburger Helper for dinner. But whilst you feast, remember---nobody loves you like mummy does.
Ciao for now kiddies,
x
NEXT BLOG: How to recover after you've slapped out a eggy fart in public.
 | ||||
| Oh and fuck you Wilma for using a "mud mask". You ain't slick ho. I know you in blackface. |
Science
Still no cure for AIDS.
Shocking, Bizarre & Other Dumb Shit
Hansel & Gretel Got Shot
*On Chicago's South Side a 68 year old senior citizen shot and wounded a 12 year old child. For weeks the little rascals had been terrorizing her and adjacent neighbors for weeks. The police never responded to her pleas for help. The pint sized monsters set fires in her yard, broke the windows of her home, and baptized her with the word bitch. A couple of days ago, they hurled bricks at her. So pistol packing grandma went inside her house, aimed and shot one of the children in the arm. Police have released her, and she will not be charged. Oh and the kid will be fine. #victory
This Lil Piggy Cried Wee-Wee Wee All The Way To the Bank
*That glorious douche nozzle Gloria Allred has accepted yet another silly case. Some undocumented worker claimed that gubernatorial nominee Meg Whitman knowingly hired her as a maid. And now that woman is crying to the media and shit, and that vulture Gloria is there to pick up the pieces. Really? The fuck you cryin about? Did Meg force you to use Bounce instead of Suavitel Fabric Softner?#gosaddown
Ugh
*Reality TV starlett Snooki says she wants to date a nympho. #shotsfired
Lifestyles
50 Cent has a suggestion for men who don't enjoy giving women oral sex. "If you a man and your over 25 and you don't eat pu**y just kill your self damn it. The world will be a better place. Lol," he tweeted on Thursday. #yes
Alright kiddies. You've just wasted another 7 minutes of your life on this blog. Now go back to your families and make Hamburger Helper for dinner. But whilst you feast, remember---nobody loves you like mummy does.
Ciao for now kiddies,
x
NEXT BLOG: How to recover after you've slapped out a eggy fart in public.
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