Friday, August 6, 2010

Fear of Sharting and Other Annoying Victories

Heeeelllllooooo mummies little cherrios!  Its Friday, and you know what that means.  ITS TIME FOR FRIDAY FUCKERY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretend this song is playing as the sound track for your entire day.

Muffin Tops, Back Acne and Other Heartaches
Despite a week filled with curve balls, slipping on banana peels, and other pies in the face, I have been able to swim with the sharks and emerge from the murky oil slicked waters. At least that's what I keep telling myself. **Oh and fuck off BP.  We've not forgotten that you have destroyed our yankee waters you no good teeth having Brits.  Fuck you BP! You poured billions of quarts of Mazola oil into our this retribution from King George? Because we left your stupid Kingdom? Well fuck you BP! oh and thanks for giving money to White Sox Park in Chicago, BP. We really love our stadium--I mean, fuck you BP for killing ducks, and octopussies.

Speaking of contamination, God bless my poor liver, it's a strong vital organ and I have given it a pounding this week. (Hahaha thats like I had sex with my liver.  "Yah man, I'm gonna pound my liver."  Hahahaha oh wait...sorry that's not funny to anyone but you Nic you drunken hosebag.)

I don't know what's happening with the moon, but I'm pretty certain the planets are colliding. In the past week I've had moments where I felt so crazy, that I couldn't tell cat shit from apple butter. Seriously, I was like Alice in Wonderland. If some shit was labeled "Drink Me" "Eat Me" "Buy Me" I did just that.   Ever look up and wonder "How in the fuck did that just happen?" Its like you're walking through the aisles of a drug store and you realize you didn't really need anything. So you leave, hop in your car and and just as you're about to drive off, you notice your pockets are full. But you didn't actually purchase anything. Then you think "Fuck, did I actually just shoplift this? And you look and it's a pack of Beechum gum. And Anacin. Necco's?And is this Tab? Fucking Tab soda? Why am I taking shit, that I don't need????"

I have no idea, why I'm introducing retro items of yesteryear into the story.  Some of you bastards weren't born until the late 80s and have no idea what Anacin is. But just fucking pretend that it's gospel, and say "Amen" okay?  Okay church, where was I? Oh yes, the comedy of errors better known as my life. A week filled with writing deadlines, scary auditions, late rent, and unincorporated bullshit.  The entire week, I felt like I had to hold it all in for fear of sharting.  Oh come on you squares, you know when you think it's a poot, and it claps out a wet messy mess and then you're stealing baby wipes from your 2 year old and begging your therapist for another Xanax prescription.

Alas, there are always victories!
The good people from the State of California have taken a huge step in the right direction of equality. And this flotilla arrived just in time. Because I was two seconds from carving out and selling my areola's on the side of the freeway to pay rent. My unemployment check was finally delivered after a few weeks of a hold up. Now I'm equal to other poor people again.  What did you think I was talking about the gays being able to marry?  Fuck them. Who cares?

I DO.  Congrats queers! And if things don't change soon, I'm going to marry one of you, because it seems that gay people are the only people who aren't poor and don't mind children.  It's not that I'm dying to have children...I think babies are gross. They are soft and pudgy but have skeletons. It's like "what? you're a weird little fucker."  But babies giggle and hold your pinky finger, and they love you no matter what. The point is, my gay rich woman will make the money, give me the money AND raise the kid.  Rachel Maddow. Are you reading?  Wanna do it? Mulatto's stand a better chance at becoming President of the US. So let's mix it up in a cup honey.

Okay asshole, back to work with you. You've just wasted another 7 minutes of your life reading my run on sentences, poor grammar, used tampon jokes, and ruminations about the Catholic church.  You're stupid.

But you're my little stupo. Mummy loves you!  Happy Friday darlin.
I hope by the time you are done reading this you will be freshly fucked.
And by fucked, I mean paid.  So that you can go out and fuck.

(Nic you drunken PMS acne ridden hosebag. Get thee to the apothecary and get some St. Johns Wort, for you have clearly lost your mind.)

Ciao fuckers,

NEXT BLOG: Wake and Bake commuters.  Researchers discover why pot is better to smoke before 9am.

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