Friday, April 2, 2010

Tales of A Populist Pseudo-Christian Chick on Good Friday

"Hey Nic! How are you?" chirped David.
"Hey my David! I'm swell. How goes it?" said Nic, glad to hear from her friend.
"Hey, so do you wanna do Happy Hour on Friday afternoon?" says David.
"Name the watering hole!" never turning down a drink, Nic committed.
"The LA Mission." said David, the sly fox.
"?????" Thought Nic.
"Yes, to feed the homeless. Wanna?" Yet again, cheerful David.
"Umm....yes. OF COURSE! I want to feed...the ....homeless." drooled Nic.

Ciao darlings. A day or so ago, my friend David phoned me up and asked if I wanted to go into Skid Row (a not so cute part of downtown Los Angeles) to help feed the homeless in honor of Good Friday. Now, when you are unemployed everyone knows you cannot turn down ANY invites whatsoever.  When someone calls upon you to get off your lazy ass, and leave the comfort of your home in Larchmont Village to help your brothers and sisters in need---you kinda have to say yes.  I mean honestly, if I'd said what I was really thinking "Do I want to help feed the homeless? No. No man, it'll totally bum me out. I mean I always give them my left over food and buy them coffee that's enough---right? Besides, Friday I have to maintain my facebook page, find out what happens on Young & The Restless, and see if Ne Ne Leakes responded to my tweet on Twitter..." I would have been an asshole right? Right.

Thanks to the Jameson from the night before, I woke up this am a little later than I'd hoped. I planned to wake up, hit the gym, eat breaky and go save the world.  Instead I woke up a wee bit hungover, and completely on edge. A series of inner monologues:

The Mind Spazz of a Buppie
"Oh my Lord...skid row. I gonna get doused with gasoline? Am I gonna be like Michelle Pheiffer in that movie where she has to save the dumb inner city kids? Will I be the proverbial white woman saving the masses? I wonder what music will play when I walk the streets of Skid Row..."

"Can I wear makeup? Or is that insensitive to homeless people?"

"Homeless people aren't stupid...they're just home-less. As a matter of fact they're quite insightful and can see right thru any bullshit. Gulp...are they gonna see right thru my lazy ungrateful ass? Maybe they'll say "this bitch ain't really wanna be here! RELEASE THE KRAKEN!"

"Oh Jesus crap. I can't do this. I'm a terrible person. I know no bunny rabbit died for me like you did Jesus, and Easter is totally your time to shine---and I preciate that I really do....but this is too much for me to bare!"

Breakfast On Jupiter
Ugh...I hate being poor. Shit, they should be coming to feed me. Damn all I have left is grilled chicken? Ugh. Some omelet this'll be. Grilled chicken, sauteed garlic, sun dried tomatoes and smoked gouda with toast. It's all I have in the fridge. Damn I hate being poor. I'm so poor I had to buy PG Tips tea, like I"m living in 1940s war torn London. It's poor peoples tea! And if I'm so broke, how come I'm not skinnier? Why does god hate me so much?

Superman Wore Tights. What About You?
Ion't know what to wear. I wouldn't be caught dead in a tee shirt and jogging pants in public. What would Andre Leon Talley wear? Oh damn...what if we're serving goulash and it'll make my clothes stink? I'm such a jerk of course I'm not going to stink.  Just be cool. Simple. Not glam. Okay so it's settled.  I'll wear my black tank, Gucci loafers, True Religion Jeans and my hair? Oh no? I can't look glammed's inconsiderate....ooh yay! I'll wrap my hair in my Hermes scarf. Perfect. I look like I"m ready to serve the masses. Not glammed up like those poser celeb assholes doing it cuz their publicist told them to. No one had to twist my arm to serve the homeless. I"m awesome.

Traveling Without Moving
David came and got me and whisked me away to Skid Row. I felt better upon seeing him. He admitted that he knew I wouldn't turn him down because...well I'm an out of work artist. "But you'll be inspired and it'll cure your writers block."

We arrived to the Mission and man, let me tell it. It was like going to a rock concert. I felt like I was in the band! I was in the fucking band! I'm talkin Zepplin at Madison Square Garden. Thousands of smiling people every where! Laughing! And the volunteers were rock stars. We even got tee shirts and name tags! I immediately ripped the arms off the tee and made it into a cute tank, slipped on my gloves and went to my station. I was a plate runner. So basically I delievered the plates to the patrons. There were rows and rows of beautiful tables lined with flowers and table cloths.  I met some of the most awesome people ever. And it was a hustle too. We served 4,000 people in need this afternoon. There was food, live music, baskets for the kiddies, a station to get feet washed and new sneakers! It was a feeling that I cannot describe. I felt hopeful and genuinely happy---I didn't think about my rent that's late, lack of auditions, yada yada.... And it did wonders for my ego. Not only did I save the world, one plate at a time---but I got some cat calls from a few homeless guys. And I thought "thank you lord, for letting me know, I still got it."

Lord willing (and the creek don't rise) I hope to return every year. Whether or not you believe in Jesus, Jehovah, Zeus or Papa Smurf helping a friend in need is the best feeling ever.  I hope you have a wonderfilled Easter weekend. And save me a plate of that mac-n-cheese.

Ciao for now sinners,



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