Monday, April 5, 2010

Jesus Busted His Way Out Of the Tomb and The Earth Moved

Ciao fuckers!

Happppppy Monday! It's a crisp chilly, yet goregous day here in SoCal.  Mother nature paid us not one but two visits on Easter Sunday. One with an earthquake and later with rain.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, there is nothing like an earthquake to shake one out of their own bullshit.  At the time the 7.2 magnitude quake occurred, I was browsing the aisles of Wilshire Beauty supply store.  I often go to beauty supply stores when I'm feeling a little blue. I don't know about you, but there's something about the sweet sweet chemically smell that always seems to seduce my olfactory.  Hair pieces, make up, candles are all the way to my heart.

I was chatting with a sales associate when suddenly I felt like I was surfing. I thought "Wait, did I just bite into a York Peppermint Patty? And suddenly I'm sailing on the biggest surf! Yes! Fuck you depression! I am on top of the wave!! A wave so tough that, that red head Shaun White couldn't even handle? I'm a bad bitch. Not only am I putting on makeup, I'm surfing---wait---why are all the signs moving? What's that look of horror on this sales lady? Did I poot? Oh god...I pooted and just kept talking??? Why am I queasy? Why are things falling?"

"Oh wow, it's an earthquake." She managed to say.

We both stood looking at each other, kind of giggling and holding our breath.  When acts of God happen suddenly, you don't always have time to think. But the thoughts that do come across you mind are random and funny. I remember thinking "Holy crap. Another earthquake. Well I can't suddenly run out of the store because I'm black and they'll think I stole something.  So play it cool Slick. Tap into your injun blood and become one with nature. I called on my forefathers from the Slapaho tribe and prayed for calm. And you know what? A heard an eagle squawking in the distance. And a flute, or whatever it is that Native Americans play, when they want to have a profound moment. My injun blood started to calm...I heard the voice of my anscestors "Yes Slick. Be a good ho, and stay on the stroll.You cannot run from what scares you. Ride the wave ho. Ride the wave...."

40 seconds later, the earth stopped moving. Yeah, it was a long one.
It wasn't a scary quake. It was trippy. But one poor woman in the store really started to spazz. She kept yelling "What are we supposed to do? Should we run? Oh my god, it's a sign...we just had one 2 weeks ago."

I applied another coat of lip gloss, and looked at her. I said
"take it easy baby girl. The earth is just letting off some steam. Relax."
She obviously was not a savvy ho like I am.  It scary, but earth quakes don't last forever.

Ciao for now darlings,



1 comment:

catie said...

ohgodohgodohmylord! "I'm surfing---wait---why are all the signs moving? What's that look of horror on this sales lady? Did I poot? Oh god...I pooted and just kept talking???" Bwahahahahaha!

I feel a little ashamed that as I get older, fart jokes get funnier. Or maybe it is all in the delivery.