And The Award Goes To...

Hey kids!

So thanks to my good judy Jen (Queer is one of the many languages that I am fluent in. "Judy" is gay talk for friend. I am not gay, however I am gay adjacent.) I was a guest at the 2009 Independent Spirit Awards held on the beach front in Santa Monica, CA. When my judy offered me her extra ticket, I politely declined because I had to work (what a silly b*tch I can be at times). When I said "no, thanks" she looked at me like I had just wiped my arse with the latest edition of Vogue magazine. "You sure? It's gonna be pretty rad. And you can network."

I had to take a moment to think about this. Yes, I live in LA and it's easy to get caught in "this town sucks, and I'm gonna prove I'm NOT LA. Hollyweird is so fake. I don't DO networking. I don't need to go to fancy restaurants and hang with the in crowd. I'm happy eating pb&j, and facing the slightest bit of humiliation at church for drinking gulps of wine at communion, cuz I can't spare the extra funds to buy a bottle. So I'm not gonna go to some stupid award show." After my judy looked at me like she did, I reconsidered and said "Fck it. I'm going. And I'm getting shitty sharp."

And I did folks. I found a stunning DKNY jumpsuit accompanied by my Idia D'ega bamboo sweater for the day time, gold Calvin Klein mary janes and for good measure I changed into my vintage Chloe tuxedo jacket for the evening. I shellacked my hair with some Dudleys, greased up my lips, and spayed enough perfume so that I was smelling like a Harlem sissy.

Jen and I both looked fierce (she was rocking this 40s Chanel look) and we promenaded our asses up in there like the other celebrities. And we were rewarded with Moet Champagne and Jameson Whiskey (yah, that's what they give you upon arriving...did I mention it was 1pm?) Salut!

If you've never been to a film award show, imagine all of your favorite He-Man toys lined up on a shelf waiting for you to ooh and ah. I saw He-Man, Skeletor (so much plastic surgery), Man-At-Arms and the list goes on. I also met and chatted with John Malchovich, Kasi Lemmons & Vondie Curtis Hall, the awesome Lori Petty, brilliant poet/actor Beau Sia, my husband Chiwetel Ejofor, and wait for it, wait for it: JOHN MOTHAFCKN WATERS. Ohh I just bussed a nut again.

I saw many others, but was either too shy to speak or simply chose not to. It was nice watching the animals roam around in their natural habitat. Although I regret not saying hello to my favorite actress Debra Winger--she was far away, and I couldn't wipe the drool from my mouth in time. Taraji P. Henson was fierce and seemed like a cool chic. Kerry Washington is a true lolipop. Big head, lil body. I'm kidding. She's quite lovely...stunning actually. But not better looking than me.

The after party at Shutters was even more bizarre than the awards themselves. More booze and lackluster food. People that you would never place together were hanging out like some big Homecoming party. Danny Masterson (That 70s Show) was the DJ and the parade of Hollyweird continued.

It was weird to see John Waters chatting with Mary Kate Olson.
Thrilling to see how handsome Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) is in person.
Excellent to have Blair Underwood start a conversation with me at the bar.
Encouraging for Joel Michaely (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) tell me that he couldn't wait to work with me in a film.

You may not know who Joel Michaely is. He's what some may call a middle class actor. He's quite talented, has worked consistently in this town, and is a nice guy. I approached him and told him how much I adored his work (He's done a lot of small, but unforgettable roles in my eyes) and he couldn'tve been more gracious and kind. We chatted for a while and at the end he said "I can tell you're a fierce b*tch and I can't wait to work with you. I know we're gonna do a film together, so remember this moment." We kissed and parted ways. And he's right. I can't wait to work with him. I'll never forget that moment at the zoo. All the animals pumped with champagne and swag bags.

All in all I'm glad I went. It was a great day! I learned a lot and in the words of Edith Head "You can have anything you want, if you dress for it." She's right. I was up in there, like all them other fools taking it all in. Some of it ain't for me, but in the end its a business. And I didn't come to Los Angeles to fck around. I came here to conquer.

Joel Michaely thinks I'm a fierce b*tch. That's queer talk for champion.