Thursday, June 21, 2012

Lesbionage & Other Ways My Career Was Rejuvinated (Pt 1)

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Biting the skin around my nails. Gnawing at it like grizzle on a steak.
Sucking and spitting out the blood.
Sip more coffee.
Go to the bathroom, again.
Momentary moments of distration on twitter...facebook.
I've got these people fooled.  They think I'm happy.
They think I'm a working professional.
Fuck what they think. Actually nobody is thinking about you. It's all you Nic.
Calm yourself.  You don't know what will become of this.
Speculation is the enemy of calm.
Deep breath. Just wait.
I'm waiting.
Fucking waiting.
Fuck shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck shit. I hate this.
I HATE this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck.

We will call between the hours of 11am-2pm PST. Failure to answer the call can result in the denial of your benefits and other penalties. This interview will determine your standing with California EDD...

I've re-read this goddamned letter at least 8 times. Terrified that I've missed the phone interview date.  I hate the mothafuckers at unemployment. And I hate myself more that I hate them. I hate that I've been reduced (not forced) but reduced to this....this...manipulation. Begging. Groveling. Yeah, I know...I've worked hard and paid into this, but this ain't living. Sitting around filling out stupid questionnaires every 10 fucking days asking if I looked for work.  If I refused work. Did you begin training or education?  (because if you check yes, they will discontinue your unemployment benefits) Did you work whether you earned wages or not? (so if I worked 4 hours shoveling shit, and I am still waiting on the check, I have to claim it or ELSE...) Yes, yes, no, yes...don't check the wrong box or else you'll face the firing squad. And don't forget to claim ANY residual checks you may have received.

I'm a college educated woman. World traveled. Some what intelligent...I listen to N.P. fucking R. I donate money to PBS. Okay so what, I buy and return shit to Whole Foods ALL the time. There's nothing wrong with dumping out the $30 bottle of Olive Oil and refilling it with 99cent Only olive oil and returning it to Whole Foods. Fuck them! My shit is bootleg...but not evil. It's how I've been surving...and now my piss poor Girl Scout survival skills have landed me right here. Embroiled in some bullshit hustle that's about to catch up with me.

I have to figure out how to manage this measly EDD check, and work on the side...getting paid under the table if possible survive. That's why they're calling me, I bet. I've been caught...but my survival...wait a minute. That's not survival.

People who made it out alive of the Kmer Rouge regime survived.
Little boys who ran from the Sudan for fucking 6months non stop survived.
Women who had their limbs hacked off after being raped in Sierra Leone survived.
My underemployment cannot possibly be filed under "survival." This shit is plain dumb. I hate these mothafuckers. Hate myself more.

Great. They're not gonna call, but I'll be blamed.
This hustle--and in this case, senility. God please, don't let them have found that one day job I did. Because I think I forgot to claim it. I know that's what this interview is about--

Ring. Ring. Ring.
Gulp. Crucifix.

This is Nancy calling from the California Education Employment Development for a scheduled phone interview. Is this De Aoona Brooooks?

The only people that call me De Anna are bill collectors and my high school lab partners...and folks from college. I hate the name De Anna. And I hate this bitch talking to me in this aggressive tone already.

Meees Broooks please verify your identity.

Are you kidding me lady? YES IT'S ME. CHICKEN LITTLE. Scared of everything in this very moment. Who the fuck else would pretend to be me right now?  Also, where's my FUCKING apology? Bitch you call me 3 minutes before the cut off time? I've been sitting around twirling my pubic hair bored and nervous as fuck, watching commercials for Westwood College--and worse that fake fatty Jennifer Hudson crooning "If you want it you got it!" for Weight Watchers thinking "how the fuck did I get here?" Oh Jennifer, I actually like you alot. You're're definitely a survivor. I just hate these commercials. Stop SINGING. I don't believe in myself, okay? That's why I'm on the phone with--

Mees Broooks what is your:
Social Security number? date of birth? address? mothers maiden name? Blood type? Fathers fathers name? Slave ship vessel your people were forced to sail over on? shoe size? tampon preference? allergies? deepest fears? name of the first boy you let finger you? last time your bank account was above $200 for 30 consecutive days....

Fuck you Nancy. Fuck you and your horrible voice. You're floating on a cloud of nasality. I hate the way you sound. Round your vowels you cow! Stop being so lazy with your constantants.  Pppp ttttt kkkk dddd...I have a great fucking voice lady. Because I'm an ACTOR. A noble profession. I am trained. I've trained since I was 14 years old. I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Acting...I've even studied Chinese Opera in Shanghai. When I sing Something About You by Level 42 at Karoke, people weep with joy! I am--

...So the department is investigating your Mees Brooooks becos, we see that you worked for Spotlight Pictures, but you didn't claim this job. Why not? Why didn't you tell us you worked?

You know, when you spend 334 days of the year with your head up your ass because you HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO WORK when you do FUCKING WORK you get so excited, some times you simply forget. OR you have to make the awful choice of delaying the claim...just so that you can survive one more week. You see if you make money and claim it, Unemployment will deduct it from your weekly dole.

Oh my god...this is all my doing. I am in hell.
No one forced me to become an artist.
Why haven't I booked any commercials lately? 
Why don't I get invited to audition more?
I should book recurring roles on all the cop shows because right now I am being a VICTIM.
Loser. Poser.

Why didn't you no...answer my question directly.

Judas priest, am I having a stroke? Everything is tingly, and I can't understand a word she's saying. I can't hear her over my heart beating like a drum...I can't...I knew this would happen. I...


Days. Days go by. And I am done.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Not here.
smoke. cry. shit. nibble. sleep. smoke. pray. ball. weep. audition. wail. workout. write. tweet. cry. shit.
days. rob peter, to pay paul. days. daze. daze. daze. daze.

Ring. Ring. Ring.
Who's number is this? Umph umph. Voice mail. 
Hey J. Nicole this is Carl White from Martian Entertainment. Will you call me at 212-555-5555 <---wait a minute. When I get calls from 212 its NEVER a bill collector. Oh god...okay don't get your hopes up. back...

"Hey Miss girl how are you? We want to offer the role of Nina Bryant to you for Paul Stovall's Immediate Family at the Goodman Theatre. Do you want me to contact your agent?

In that moment, I knew what Keanu Reeves must always feel like. Like "Whoa".

 "So..your agent?"
 Ummm....sorry, I don't have one. 
Oh honey, after this--you will, trust me. So rehearsals begin..."
Is this call happening?
"Tech, previews...we open..."

Fuck me with a Twizzler. AN OFFER OF EMPLOYMENT?? The room suddenly became quiet...peaceful. All the noise--the cacophonous sounds of doubt, fear and lies that had become apart of me started to lift. And all I could do was sit. And listen.

"We have a great creative team lead by Phylicia Rashad, your director... did you hear me girl? Phylicia Rashad is your director. Nic? You still there honey? Hello???"

Yes Carl...I'm still here.
I'm still here.

ciao for now,



Sabah said...

Just had a call with EDD today. They called me 8 minutes late! This post gives me hope.

ifelicious said...

how come i didn't get this version when we met for for the delicious martinis a few weeks back? isn't it just a blessing how life can change for you in the blink of an eye? i'm waiting for that moment myself, but remain hopeful and keep trudging along in the meantime.

this role in Immediate Family was well deserved and right on time. i know i'll be tardy to the party by the time i make my way down there to see it, but i will see it. i can't miss an opportunity to support such a talented gal like yourself.

tell EDD to suck it! youz a paid gal now. ;)

...and get that agent!

Docta Slick said...

love you both! thanks for dropping by!!

@heidirettig said...

Seriously? You are bootlegging Whole Foods olive oil for extra cash?

Anonymous said...

This is one of the main reasons why there are so many working professionals who are returning to school. free trial hide ip. The sales team within an organization gets much relief once the right online sms sending tool is downloaded. the unblocked

Anonymous said...

At times you will have to compromise with the quality of plastic if you want a good design. It's the city of good food, great adda and above all the city of romance!, linux firewall router vpn. Surgery scars are expected effects of surgery. wapg vpn

Anonymous said...

The first portion will consist of a web client. download ip proxy

Anonymous said...

But there are also other emotions that come into play at this point. vpn config generator download. These combined basic exercises work all the muscles and provide a more balanced workout. vpn not working using vista

Anonymous said...

Many diseases in the mouth and the gums can be caused as a consequence of an unclean tongue. iphone vpn apps

Anonymous said...

The very fact that it can be made with flour of various types of cereals has been such that this food to conform throughout history in different guises and names, packaged in different types, enriched with regional elements with more or less rising and accompanied by other disheswhich usually makes a side dish. Secure your family's health by making sure that you are aware of your insurance options. anonymouse browser. Do you like to go and work for your boss and help him make money so you can earn your living? When you use social networking, it can be a very effective tool to promote your business and your website., windows ipsec policy. Kim is known to shun air travel. how to vpn tunnel

Anonymous said...

Even though you have lost everything as a matter of fact, please lose out smile…… 2. Keeping this aspect in mind, it would be more feasible if you find a cosmetic dentist functioning near your locality. linux l2tp ipsec client. Joomla is an efficient way to update web content from anywhere in the world. While purchasing a dress for the beach wedding, the length requires your attention., vpn server software pptp. He has employed hundreds of people, qualified doctors, accountants, and many other professioners are on his payroll. ip proxy browser

Anonymous said...

Women suffering from ovarian pain might also have certain symptoms like vomiting, nausea, breast pain, fever, shortness of breath and so on. virtual tourist forum to. Some companies also track the secondary level sales from distributor to the subdistributors; but the last and the most crucial level loses its significance due to multiple challenges in data collection and touchpoints. internet access providers at t worldnet

Anonymous said...

Radon gas causes more deaths each year than any other inhome hazard including fires, carbon monoxide, drowning, poisoning, falls, and even guns! adsl router osterreich robotics. A warm bath and do some soothing exercise can reduce body temperature. www client silabsoft rg

Anonymous said...

Consider the facts wisely before deciding on the online college and course and get the best accredited degree online. They are classified into nonrenewable and renewable resources. websphere server.xml. To ensure complete understanding of concepts and timely completion of syllabi it is very important for students to systematically follow a study schedule right from the start of the academic session. To avoid all these problems, it is very beneficial to hire the waterproofing services., medical provider network california. Ink used in laser printers is toner, which is a dry powertype substance. virtual clone dvd

Anonymous said...

Many sophisticated changes have been introduced in this method and hence it is becoming a hot favorite amongst many dentists all over the globe. These days the majority of families have double or triple wage earners., fair international reality virtual. That is because they provide them with the necessary compartments that they need to carry their things. https ssl certificate

Anonymous said...

The blueprint and playground guide is a "doityourself" layout plan for painting and designing your equipments. vpn router 300mbps

Anonymous said...

It is so because the body only needs food to correct erring ailments which are eating deep into our body systems., remote desktop control. While creating bedroom design we lay emphasis on the factors like arranging furniture and decors to provide maximum comfort with style within the space available. Cosmetic surgery is a comprehensive oral care package which accentuates your looks, image and personality. vpn windows service. The brewery has achieved much fame as the oldest existing brewery in the world, and is internationally recognized as the site for science and education of traditional brewing techniques. 2008 05 network

Anonymous said...

When performing as an extra, the director will instruct you where to stand (this is called your ‘mark) and they will instruct you on what to do/ how to look (this is called your ‘blocking’). code control remote samsung tv

Anonymous said...

Obviously the need for money varies in ones life. unlock network pin

Anonymous said...

The essence of good sports coaching of coaches is to break out the core skills and practice them with sensitive feedback. saving private ryan th anniversary