Saturday, April 21, 2012

Slick's Picuyane Tribune Times: The Weekend Edition

Ciao fuckers!

It's the week end possums! Come come into mummy's bosom! That's right, go into the light Carol Anne. Yes! YASSSSSS! Motorboat me you little fucker, for I have missed you so. Your rollicking wet nurse is back to spread the gospel of Tom Dickery. So I hope you've spiked the kiddies milk with a little NyQuil and they are peacefully stowed away watching that acid trip called Yo Gabba Gabba. I trust your hubby is fast asleep in his recliner after you gifted him his semi-annual blowie.  Wifey I know you have your husband's charge plate, and if you're purchasing an Idris Elba blow up doll from good for you! Oh and I haven't forgotten about you single humanoids! Ummm hmm perusing the fuck listings on just be careful. Use a dental dam. There's nothing worse than catching measles from a hooker. And finally to my misanthropic, recluse, agoraphobes...careful of when eating. I don't want you to choke on a chicken bone, pass out in your kitchen, die, and have your face eaten by your pet tabby--once again proving that cats are evil. 

So now that we're all met, load your pipes, pop your Xananx, grab your Astroglide and bend over for a wild ride! Here's the week in review:

The Secret Service buys hookers. Big deal. OOh!!!
Kimmy Dash...has thrown down the gauntlet, and is on the eve of running for Mayor of Glendale, California! YAY!  That's right our beloved dingleberry dash want's to show the world--excuse me Glendale, that she can not only strut her stuff in Loubotins, but that she can also do shower her intelligence by her knack for civic duties. Kim  Kardashian for Mayor! Mayor of America! I'd vote for that misleader of youth. Problem is, I'm not a resident of Glendale. NEITHER IS KIM.   The fuck off my lawn with this bullshit.  

Dick Clark has died--Secretly I know many of you are thinking "wow, I didn't know he was still alive." Just to let you know Ruth Buzzi, Gloria Vanderbilt and Emmanuel Lewis are all alive and well. His passing marked a sad day for Americana. Many of you spent your Saturday morning's tuned into ABC to see America's oldest teenager bopping along. I've always liked Dick Clark and his shows. Bloopers & Practical Jokes, $25,000 Pyramid and of course AB. From the early 60s on, he showcased all kinds of talents in the music business---AB in its early days showcased Black talent, but would not hire black dancers. The producers feared the sight of black boys dancing with white girls...sad, but true. It's kinda of funny the producers on ABC's The Bachelor fear the same miscegenation.  Good luck with that lawsuit you dick noses. In case you haven't heard there's a class action lawsuit against the show alleging discrimination. One thing Americans deserve is diversity in reality programming. We want to see ALL people of ALL colors FAIL AT BEING ADULTS ON STUPID ASS LOVE CONTESTANT SHOWS.  Yes I want to see DeAndretronicis Andrews woo little Becki Alabaster. I don't want to see Jose Pocho Chicano Sometimes Latino Sanchez selling roses on the side of the freeway, I WANT TO SEE HIM GIVING ROSES to those silicone tittyed canker blossoms on The Bachelor. Oh, Dick Clark...I done fucked up your elegy--

Anyway, the show did evolve and attracted talent like this guy in 1980:

Rest in Paradise Mr. Clark.

Mitosis is still a scientific term most of you don't remember. Most of us don't remember the wonders of science past high school. How curling your tongue is directly connected to genetics. And why is it  that chimpanzee's will hunt, fuck up and eat a monkey. Makes you think "whoa! aren't they kinda related?" Remember back in the days where you'd look up this kind of shit in the Encylopedia Britannica? As a child, I loved looking things up in the encylopedia--I was a true nerd, and hoped that my offspring would turn out the same way. I couldn't wait have my kid do a report on "The Wonders Of The Collarbone" (I dunno, some fucking great title like that) with Britannica being one of her main sources. Welp, that shit ain't happening because this week EB announced that they will no longer publish their books. Why? Because of Wikipedia. Yeah, that accurate website. The very website that reported comedian Sinbad deceased.

Way to go America.

Where's Ally McBeal when you need her?

George Zimmerman.
"I am sorry for the loss of your son."

This mothafucka. This punk offered an apology not because he was remorseful, but because the pathethic drippings from his mouth were totally self serving. He should've said "I am sorry I hunted and slaughtered your son."

Okay so, earlier in the week the judge recused herself from the case due to "conflict of interest." Judge Jessica Recksiedler stepped down from the case after it was disclosed that her husband's law partner previously had been contacted by Zimmerman seeking representation. So they got a new judge, and what happened? This bitch ass Zim is going to be released on $150k--and you know what %10 of that is. So yeah, in about a week, he'll be on house arrest awaiting trial. A pox upon his house.

I successfully shoplifted a pair of spanx yesterday from Nordstrom.

I visited the American Idol set earlier this week!

So let mummy get right to it. I made a mulatto child with Stephen Tyler in a honeywagon this afternoon on the CBS lot. that it didn't exactly happen that way...I attended but let me tell you--seeing an ancient rocker like Mr. Tyler--no matter how much dope, booze, botulism or verneral disease resides in his body...he's still fucking hot. He still makes women squeal and for me personally seeing his trademark scarf made my kitty dribble love juice.

Other weird Idol facts (in no particular order):
The American Idol set is big and fucking beautiful. It really is like going into Willy Wonka's factory.
Randy Jackson is about the same height as Ryan Seacrest. Womp. womp.

The sound in the studio is incredible.
Ray Chew the musical director is super fit! Easy on the eyes! And he's band leader. Rad.

Ryan Seacrest can get it (he's strangely beguiling...he's like an Abba Zabba bar. Totally unappealing in your first mind, but once you wrap your bicuspids around that chewy shit? You think "damn, why have I ignored this for so long!") Yep.

Randy Jackson wears skinny jeans. Ryan does not. Surprising right?
Stephen Tyler wears reading bifocals and weird corrective Birkenstock shoes type shows during the day. Imagine Herman Monster wearing beach sandals. Got that design? Then there it is.

Nigel Lythgoe is a mothafuckin pimp.

All them little Idol kids actually have good voices.
The stage manager, production assistants, teamsters, judges, talent, and pages are all pretty nice!
Seriously seeing Mr. Tyler chilling in such a causal state (and so close to me) was fanfuckingtastic. 

Ted Nugent for making ill comments/threats toward President Obama. A pox upon your house.

MISC, T.M.I. And Other News Of the Weird
Soon and very soon I'll be returning to the stages of Chicago! Paul Oakley Stovall's Immediate Family will play at the Goodman Theatre. The cast features screen goddess Cynda Williams, the beastly Shanesia Davis, Phillip James Brannon's fine ass,  Kamal Bolden Angelo's muscles, Yours Truly and the frothy milky foam to this latte is Patrick Sarb. Oh did I mention, Madame Phylicia Rashad is directing? *catches holyghost

Happy 4/20 Stoners! I celebrated by driving down to Tijuana and having a tattoo of a chubacapra tattoed on my navel.
 Well that's the news darlings! And remember supply ALWAYS follows demand. It's law. I hope you remember that your creative talents are always in have everything that you need.

ciao fuckers,


No comments: