Ciao fuckers!
It's the week end possums! Come come
into mummy's bosom! That's right, go into the light Carol Anne. Yes!
YASSSSSS! Motorboat me you little fucker, for I have missed you so. Your
rollicking wet nurse is back to spread the gospel of Tom Dickery. So I
hope you've spiked the kiddies milk with a little NyQuil and they are
peacefully stowed away watching that acid trip called Yo Gabba Gabba. I
trust your hubby is fast asleep in his recliner after you gifted him his
semi-annual blowie. Wifey I know you have your husband's charge plate,
and if you're purchasing an Idris Elba blow up doll from
www.chocolatementhatmakeyousquirtyourmorningcoffee.com--then good for
you! Oh and I haven't forgotten about you single humanoids! Ummm hmm
perusing the fuck listings on Craigslist.com...well just be careful. Use
a dental dam. There's nothing worse than catching measles from a
hooker. And finally to my misanthropic, recluse, agoraphobes...careful
of when eating. I don't want you to choke on a chicken bone, pass out in
your kitchen, die, and have your face eaten by your pet tabby--once
again proving that cats are evil.
So now that we're all met, load your pipes, pop your
Xananx, grab your Astroglide and bend over for a wild ride! Here's the
week in review:
POLITICS
The Secret Service buys hookers. Big deal. OOh!!!
Kimmy Dash...has thrown down the gauntlet, and is on the eve of
running for Mayor of Glendale, California! YAY! That's right our
beloved dingleberry dash want's to show the world--excuse me Glendale,
that she can not only strut her stuff in Loubotins, but that she can
also do shower her intelligence by her knack for civic duties. Kim Kardashian for
Mayor! Mayor of America! I'd vote for that misleader of youth. Problem
is, I'm not a resident of Glendale. NEITHER IS KIM. The fuck off my
lawn with this bullshit.
OBITS
Dick Clark has died--Secretly I know
many of you are thinking "wow, I didn't know he was still alive." Just
to let you know Ruth Buzzi, Gloria Vanderbilt and Emmanuel Lewis are all
alive and well. His passing marked a sad day for Americana. Many of you
spent your Saturday morning's tuned into ABC to see America's oldest
teenager bopping along. I've always liked Dick Clark and his shows. Bloopers
& Practical Jokes, $25,000 Pyramid and of course AB.
From the early 60s on, he showcased all kinds of talents in the music
business---AB in its early days showcased Black talent, but would not
hire black dancers. The producers feared the sight of black boys dancing
with white girls...sad, but true. It's kinda of funny the producers on
ABC's The Bachelor fear the same miscegenation. Good luck with
that lawsuit you dick noses. In case you haven't heard there's a class
action lawsuit against the show alleging discrimination. One thing
Americans deserve is diversity in reality programming. We want to see
ALL people of ALL colors FAIL AT BEING ADULTS ON STUPID ASS LOVE
CONTESTANT SHOWS. Yes I want to see DeAndretronicis Andrews woo little
Becki Alabaster. I don't want to see Jose Pocho Chicano Sometimes Latino
Sanchez selling roses on the side of the freeway, I WANT TO SEE HIM
GIVING ROSES to those silicone tittyed canker blossoms on The Bachelor.
Oh, Dick Clark...I done fucked up your elegy--
Anyway, the show did evolve and attracted talent like this guy in
1980:
Rest in Paradise Mr. Clark.
SCIENCE
Mitosis is still a
scientific term most of you don't remember. Most of us don't remember
the wonders of science past high school. How curling your tongue is
directly connected to genetics. And why is it that chimpanzee's will
hunt, fuck up and eat a monkey. Makes you think "whoa! aren't they kinda
related?" Remember back in the days where you'd look up this kind of
shit in the Encylopedia Britannica? As a child, I loved looking things
up in the encylopedia--I was a true nerd, and hoped that my offspring
would turn out the same way. I couldn't wait have my kid do a report on "The
Wonders Of The Collarbone" (I dunno, some fucking great
title like that) with Britannica being one of her main sources. Welp,
that shit ain't happening because this week EB announced that they will
no longer publish their books. Why? Because of Wikipedia. Yeah, that
accurate website. The very website that reported comedian Sinbad
deceased.
Way to go America.
LEGAL BEGAL CORNER
Where's Ally McBeal when
you need her?
George Zimmerman.
"I am sorry for the loss of
your son."
This mothafucka. This punk offered an apology not because he was
remorseful, but because the pathethic drippings from his mouth were
totally self serving. He should've said "I am sorry I hunted and
slaughtered your son."
Okay so, earlier in the week the judge recused herself from the
case due to "conflict of interest." Judge Jessica
Recksiedler stepped down from the case
after it was disclosed that her husband's law partner previously had
been contacted by
Zimmerman seeking representation. So they
got a new judge, and what happened? This bitch ass Zim is going to be
released on $150k--and you know what %10 of that is. So yeah, in about a
week, he'll be on house arrest awaiting trial. A pox upon his house.
FASHION
I
successfully shoplifted a pair of spanx
yesterday from Nordstrom.
ENTERTAINMENT
I
visited the American Idol set earlier this week!
So let mummy get right to it. I made a mulatto child with Stephen
Tyler in a honeywagon this afternoon on the CBS lot. Okay...so that it
didn't exactly happen that way...I attended but let me tell you--seeing
an ancient rocker like Mr. Tyler--no matter how much dope, booze,
botulism or verneral disease resides in his body...he's still fucking
hot. He still makes women squeal and for me personally seeing his
trademark scarf made my kitty dribble love juice.
Other weird
Idol facts (in no particular order):
The American Idol set
is big and fucking beautiful. It really is like going into Willy
Wonka's factory.
Randy Jackson is about the same height as Ryan
Seacrest. Womp. womp.
The sound in the studio is incredible.
Ray Chew the
musical director is super fit! Easy on the eyes! And he's band leader.
Rad.
Ryan Seacrest can get it (he's strangely beguiling...he's
like an Abba Zabba bar. Totally unappealing in your first mind, but once
you wrap your bicuspids around that chewy shit? You think "damn, why
have I ignored this for so long!") Yep.
Randy Jackson wears skinny jeans. Ryan does not.
Surprising right?
Stephen Tyler wears reading bifocals and weird
corrective Birkenstock shoes type shows during the day. Imagine Herman
Monster wearing beach sandals. Got that design? Then there it is.
Nigel Lythgoe is a mothafuckin pimp.
All them little Idol kids actually have good voices.
The
stage manager, production assistants, teamsters, judges, talent, and
pages are all pretty nice!
Seriously seeing Mr. Tyler
chilling in such a causal state (and so close to me) was
fanfuckingtastic.
BAG OF INFESTED DICK AWARD GOES TO
Ted Nugent for making ill comments/threats toward President Obama. A
pox upon your house.
MISC, T.M.I. And Other News Of the Weird
Soon and
very soon I'll be returning to the stages of Chicago! Paul Oakley
Stovall's Immediate Family will play at the Goodman Theatre. The
cast features screen goddess Cynda Williams, the beastly Shanesia Davis,
Phillip James Brannon's fine ass, Kamal Bolden Angelo's muscles, Yours
Truly and the frothy milky foam to this latte is Patrick Sarb. Oh did I
mention, Madame Phylicia Rashad is directing? *catches holyghost
Happy
4/20 Stoners! I celebrated by driving down to Tijuana and having a
tattoo of a chubacapra tattoed on my navel.
Well that's the
news darlings! And remember supply ALWAYS follows demand. It's law. I
hope you remember that your creative talents are always in demand...you
have everything that you need.
ciao fuckers,
x
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