Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I, Asshole.

Ugh...I feel like absolute crap.  I mean really, am I coming down with a cold virus on top of having stupid menstrual cramps? That Thai food was so white washed. I'm going to Thailand. Eat some real fucking Pad See Yuu. And you know what ass hole? I can order peanut sauce on my Pad See Yuuuu. It's not only reserved for stupid Pad Thai. I've been to China. I know that's a different country, but whatever. Asshole waiter giving me sass. I can feel my teeth moving. I need Invisilign. I hate Lakeview. Yuppies walking briskly as if they're important. So not self aware.  Can't believe they put me up in this neighborhood with these sour twat heads. I've been working hard all day at the theatre. My life is hard. At least the hotel is nice. Boutique hotel. There's a flat screen and Keurig coffee maker. Ugh, that Thai food was SO underwhelming. Joy's Noodles. That don't even sound Asian. And my taste buds are going...I'm getting sick. I'm on the rag. God hates me. Damn. Look at all this corporate filth. The Gap. Jane Adams must be turning in her grave. RIP Hull House. Ppphft. Oh shit! I forgot I wanted to stop by Top Shop to buy some warmer clothes. Great. It's gonna be so cold tomorrow. I didn't pack properly and now I'm gonna catch consumption and rot away in some fucking alley like a Dickensian harlot. I could've avoided that by shopping today.

'Scuse me got any spare-
'Scuse me?

I hate when it's cold. You can't look cute in a wool sweater. Especially if you have big knoobies. You just look big. I feel big. I hate my period. Or maybe it's the stupid Thai food bloating me?  Why can't I have Mary Tyler Moore boobs? She and Rhoda had such perky knoobies under their 70s sweaters.  Nic shuttup. You have healthy boobs. Be grateful for them. I think I'm hungry again. But I just left the restaurant. Fuck. I hate Asian food. Asian food only nourishes tape worms, not my appetite. I'm still gonna eat the left overs--

'Scuse me got any change?

Shit. The Black guy is begging for change. I'm the only other Black person on the street. I can't ignore him, or else I'll seem like that one black person amongst white people who doesn't wish to be acknowledged by other Blacks. I am not self hating. Okay some days, I don't like Black people. But they take so long crossing the street! And they spend $3000 on rims but won't give campaign money to Obama. I like him. Fuck all these people mad at him. Fuck Black people. But not Black bums. HE IS NOT A BUM NICKY! YOU'RE THE BUM. HIS CREDIT SCORE IS BETTER THAN YOURS I BET. SMILE AT HIM DAMMIT OR ELSE ROSA PARKS WILL SMITE YOU.
Fuck. Fucccck. Is he??? Yep. He's eating from the garbage can.

"Hey sister, got any change?"

Sister? Oh my god. Sister...I'm supposed to be a child of God, so this dude is my--brother.  Then why am I still walking?

"Sorry brother, I don't!"
Yeah, that'll do. Deny that poor man spare change-- but soften the blow by calling him a term of endearment. Yes "brotherrrrrr" because amongst all these white people, they will see that though I am wearing vintage Albert Nipon, Stella McCartney slacks, Liseanne Frankfort jewelery and flat ironed hair--I am still in solidarity with you. However, I'm just not giving any money to you. NO I will not give you money. Not because I think you're lazy, or I'm better--but because while I'm here working in Chicago I am forced to take the bus. And if you give away 35 cents, that small gesture could fuck up your transit. If its the last bit of currency you have, then you're forced to go to some ATM and withdraw cash for the stupid transit card. And I don't want to load $20 on the card--you know homeless man, the ATM doesn't dispense $5 dollar bills. So it's an inconvenience. What in the name of Judas? I'm actually still walking. I can hear him asking other people for money--Jesus fuck! Am I actually standing here, 10 feet away watching him eat from the garbage can? Aha! Give him your food Nic. The leftovers! Give the poor bugger the left overs--he's looking at you again. Here's the moment. Now. Now. NOW. He's looking back in the bin. NOW!!!! The moment has past. And that moment. And that one. Another moment. Wowwww. Really? REALLY.  Am I actually watching this poor man, this Black man eat from the trash?! What if he's a frog prince? What if he's God?  I love that song. What if God was one of us? No. No Nic, you have not earned the right to sing that song you fat sack of American shit! You should be grateful for your period, because lord knows if you didn't have it, it would mean you were pregnant. And you are too selfish to care for another human being.  You'd be mad that the baby would fuck up your booze diet. You have a bag of perfectly good greasy Thai that he may want. But I want it tooooo. I'm working at the Goodman theatre, and this could be my lunch! I'm poor. A poor artist. Who's this guy to expect me to sacrifice my dinner-lunch? Black asshole bum. Am I actually running my hands through my hair? Oh my God. That man is starving, and I'm concerned about my hair tangling.  The box said Indian Remy human hair, but you know weave isn't regulated. Much like our food supply. It's sad the way Americans eat. Our food supply is tainted with toxins. So is my weave--it isn't organic. Oh my god, I'm still standing here. My period is doing this to me, I know it. I'm evil and confused. I see why Carrie killed a gymnasium full of people. Blood makes you crazy. Just yell out to him. Prove to him that you are amongst the league of extraordinary Negroes! And that you will not allow him to go hungry.  In the name of Nipsey Russell--Call out to him!

Sir? Suh?
Oh yeah Nic. Put on a Colored affectation so that he feels comfortable. Would you do this to a white bum? I mean homeless man?

Brother? I...well it's...would you like this? It's Thai! You know, Thai food. And the cooks were actually Thai. You know sometimes they're Latino in the kitchen and it's off putting. Not that I'm being racist. You probably don't get to go to restaurants often...I shouldn't assume that. I...I just--it's Pad Seeee Yuuuu. With peanut sauce. I hope you don't think that's weird. I like peanut sauce with everything. Hahah. Peanut Sauce is to Thai food like mild sauce is to fried chicken.

There you go being colored again. He might be vegan. Black. Bum. Vegan.

"Naw sis, this sounds good! Bless you. Thank you."

There are chop sticks in there too!
*That'll do pig. That'll do.
I helped a homeless man. I'm not like that asshole in the Phil Collins song. I DID think twice. So it wasn't just another day in paradise.
Wipe that smirk off your face Brooks.
Honestly, chopsticks? I offered that information like "hey there's health care in the bag for you brother!"

He's walking away. He's happy! I caused his happiness. He's so sweet. No, I'm sweet! I'm awesome. He's actually kinda cute. If this were Down And Out In Beverly Hills I'd invite him back to my home to change my life like Nick Nolte.  But that may not be such a good idea...he looks sweet, but I ain't nouveau riche...for fucking sure not Bette Midler annnd he looks a little rape-y.  Not because he's Black--Oh God. I'm staring at him while he's eating.

What is wrong with me?
I'd really like something sweet. I deserve a treat. I'll go across to Ann Sathers and get some Swedish pastries.
Fuck me, they're closed?
Who closes up before 7pm??? Fucking turds, the lot of you Swedes!



TravelGodess said...

Uhhhhm how about I feel the exact same way about peanut sauce! And Pad Si Ew is my favorite thai dish w/ shrimp of course. I rate Thai food based on their peanut sauce. "Peanut Sauce is to Thai food like mild sauce is to fried chicken." BRILLIANT ma' lady!

As for the rest yo a$$ is crazy as her...in my best demonic voice "CRAMPS"!!

Docta Slick said...

thanks fucker!