Thursday, February 10, 2011

God Save The Queen

Alright alright everybody calm the fuck down! Rusty unless you brought enough pot for the entire class--no? Then bring the marijuana to me. This that Lemon Diesel right? Okay, saddown. Tommy put your penis back in your pants! Someone put the helmet back on his head please. Boy you're an unruly bunch.  I know my absence has left you feeling abandoned, but can you really be angry with teacher for going back to rehab? I didn't think so.  Mental health is important, and nothing to be ashamed of....Okay so what, I wasn't in rehab. I fried and ate the worm at the bottom of my tequila bottle, and I ain't been right in the head since. Sometimes my life of whimsical fuckery leads me down a road of gloom and annoyance.  Okay if you think I'm being a Debbie Downer, let me see if I can help you relate. Ever take a nice lonnnnng hot shower? The water pressure is perfect, the soap on a rope is all lathered and you feel terrific. Then, the second you step out of the shower--your stomach moves. Then you realize: you've got to take a shit.  Dropping a brown bomber after you've JUST cleaned your ass makes you want to stab a ground hog. *Shakes fist at Mt. Olympus. Damn you Zeus!!!!!

So class I was not in rehab, but I should be.  I've missed class because I was busy I feasting on unicorn meat and stealing wizard hats from sorcerers and giving them to little black ladies in Baptist churches. I left flaming bags of poop on the door steps of Hobbits and yelled "Go back to Middle Earth you freaks!"  I protested rainbows like an Egyptian, and every time I heard a child laugh, I hunted and killed a fairy.

I had one too many bats in the belfry, so I decided to take in a movie.  I saw The Kings Speech for the second time.  If you've seen this flick, you most likely find yourself rooting for King George VI.  And there's even a tiny part of you that goes "hmph...I kind of like the English people.  I'm sick of seeing movies about their history though...Henry VIII was a fat fuck who stank and like to give "head", Georgie III pissed blue urine and was crazy as fuck, and Elizabeth didn't do shit fast enough when poor Diana died. Hmmm these royals are kind of gross."  But just when you think you know all the stories of the British Royals, teacher has a new one for you.

Bow down to her majesty Queen Charlotte of England. A Negress. Queen Charlotte, wife of King George III (1738-1820 the blue pisser), was directly descended from Margarita de Castro y Sousa, a black branch of the Portuguese Royal House. For you eggheads that may be interested, the riddle of Queen Charlotte's African ancestry was solved as a result of an earlier investigation into the black magi featured in 15th century Flemish paintings. Two art historians had suggested that the black magi must have been portraits of actual contemporary people (since the artist, without seeing them, would not have been aware of the subtleties in colouring and facial bone structure of quadroons or octoroons which these figures invariably represented) Enough evidence was accumulated to propose that the models for the black magi were, in all probability, members of the Portuguese de Sousa family.  Six different lines can be traced from English Queen Charlotte back to Margarita de Castro y Sousa, in a gene pool which because of royal inbreeding was already minuscule, thus explaining the Queen's unmistakable African appearance. Lemme say that one mo 'gin "the Queen's unmistakable African appearance."
*All the black students rejoice ala the OJ verdict.

Oi! You blacks calm down, you're scarring the white students--and they're the only ones who have paid in full for this course. Now if these blurred racial lines burn curdle the milk in your tea, then do something about it you little buggers. Write to the studios and demand a Queen Charlotte flick starring your Mummy start production immediately. And guess what kids? We can fucking take OVER UK Cinema, just as those tea dunking bastards have colonized ours! I mean honestly, how can we allow a Brit to play Superman?? How would they like it if Terence Howard played 007? Mothafuckers.

So the next time you hear the British national anthem being crooned, don't snicker and make fun of them. Because now, it's your heritage. Simply gather all the other black people nearby, and commence to doing the electric slide, pump your black power fist in the air and shout "God Save The Queen." No homework tonight duckies.


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