Thursday, February 3, 2011

Blizzard, Graupel, Firn, Thundersnow, and Snowpocalypse. All A Days Work For Matthew Henson

Good Day People. Be seated.  My T.A. has poured Makers Mark into my rocks glass and I am ready to teach. Class is in session. I've prepared some slides to show you today.  No, zip your pants back up Tommy. The course on Ebony/Jet Black Beauty of the Week is later in the syllabus. Put your penis away please.

I'd like dispel a few myths that's been popping around most of your noggins.   There is a nasty sentiment amongst a great deal of North Americans, that Black people don't like the snow.  They think we don't go into retailers like North Face and Colombia because we secretly believe they're selling witchcraft and Scientology books.  Studies have shown that for one set of ski's a Black could purchase 2 pairs of aligator boots, a top of the line iron to crease their Sean John jeans, with a bit of money left over to pay on the Rent A Center flat screen TV,  a 4 piece chicken dinner and a bottle of Moscato. Now calm down, if you believe the findings of this study, it does not make you a card carrying member of the Aryan Nation.  It can be argued that it's a fair stereotype.  Show of hands for those who believe that blacks (nationality aside) cower at the thought of being exposed to cold weather-- not for fear of their respiratory health, but for fear that the cold will "mess up their hair".

Umm hmmm interesting. Very interesting.
Slide show picture one.  Does anyone know the man in this photograph? Anyone? No LaShantrella, it is NOT  Teddy Pendergrass in Detroit...although that's a good guess.  This is Matthew A. Henson.
 This is a picture of the man who was co-discoverer of the North Pole. That's right, see most of you only thought blacks dealt with ice if it pertained to their alcoholic beverage.  Wrong. Matthew A. Henson was a magnificent Negro.  He went on eight, count 'em 8 Arctic expeditions.  Now for you fucktards who don't think that's a big idea because you go to Big Bear or Lake Tahoe every year, you can leave my class now!  This man started going to the North Pole in 1891.  Can we just think about that for a moment?  Most Black people couldn't cross the Mason-Dixon line and this mothafucka went to the top of the globe.  He was like "Fuck it. I'm sick of this Jim Crow yard bird. Lincoln done left us all fucked up...ain't no jobs. I'm hungry. I need some new bird to fry.  I wonder what penguins taste like. I'm goin to the North Pole"  So Robert E. Peary and Matty set off on an adventure that would change the lives of people around the world.

Now I know you all think that the first oreo dynamic was Billy Dee and James Caan in Brian's Song. Well, you're wrong--it was these two dudes.  And thanks to them decades later we've managed to find a way to melt the fucking ice caps and put polar bears in endanger.  We wouldn't even know about fucking ice animals if it weren't for these chaps.  Morgan Freeman wouldn't have narrated March of the Penguins if a black man hadn't of already marched with them. See MLK wasn't the first to march! Matty Henson was dammit.

So the next time you snicker at a Black person wearing a North Face jacket and think "What did he find that at a Good Will store or something?" You think again goddamnit.  That Negro is most likely a descendant of Matthew A. Henson.  Blacks may not drink glog, go sledding or wear snow shoes and all that other white cold behavior but you better know that we will brave the elements--we will go into any blizzard in search of the perfect bird to fry.   Hello Chicago!!!!

Now take off your skull caps, and salute Matthew Henson. A great Arctic explorer. An eminent American. Black ice is real baby. And it'll knock you on your ass when you least expect it. You can bet on that.

 Class dismissed.


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