Today's lesson will be brief, as I am certain many of you have to make a mad dash to Walgreens to scoop up the last of the Russel Stover chocolates in hopes of getting poon. Ladies I'm sure you've sprayed on extra Jean Nate in hopes of getting a nut sac dragged across your forehead--and my single students, trouble don't last always. Don't you let these sappy sons of whores get you down because you don't have a "sweethart". Masturbation is the way to go. You won't end up with the clap, and self fucking is nothing short of glory, because can't nobody love you the way you do.
Be seated.
I was sipping from my morning flask, and it occured to me that I'm irritated by Valentines Day. Lets examine shall we? St. Valentine was an actual person, he was a Christian martyr who was stoned to death. No Tommy, he didn't die from smoking pot--they actually pelted the man with hard pieces of the earths surface. Now, I don't know about you, celebrating a mothafucker that got stoned to death gives me the heebie jeebies.
Oh don't let your dicks go soft, that's just one of the Valentine legends. The day, can mean whatever you choose--celebrate it anyway you like with a lover. And I choose my lover of the day: Frederick Augustus Washington Douglass Bailey--better known as Frederick Douglass. He is reason why Al Sharpton and Dr. Cornell West have careers. Not because the aforementioned men are renowned statesmen--but because Frederick set precedence with unapologetically "can'tyoucombitandon'tyoutry" Negroid hair. This brother was rocking the "cloud" long before Lenny Kravitz, Maxwell, Don King and that dude from My Name is Earl. He fought for freedom tooth and nail--he was an abolistionist, orator, social reformer, writer, statesmen, magician, nail techincian, aesbestos remover--see back then, black people had to be fucking stellar in the career arena. This dude was Billy Bad Ass. He escaped slavery, learned how to read, write, and tell white people that uncle tom cabins of the world had to be fucking demolished.
Even Abe Lincoln's lanky ass was lucky enough to have Fred Douglass as a friend. Douglass worked earnestly with Lincoln during a time at which the president's administration was pro-slavery. Yeah don't run off thinking Lincoln was perfect. He was a manically depressed, had a wife who had a serious shopping addiction, and he hit his head on the door jam upon entering every fucking room due to his height. That's why he looked so unhappy in the photographs.
In July of 1863, Douglass met with Lincoln in the White House to discuss the grievances suffered by black troops--they were treated as second class citizens. Trust me when I say, it was unheard of for a colored man to WALK into the White House and lodge complaints. Fred wasn't having it. He demanded that the colored troops be paid the same as whites, that they be fairly treated (especially if captured by the Confederates), and that colored troops should receive the same promotions as whites, when their valor in battled demanded it. Days later Lincoln released this creed "that for every soldier of the United States killed in violation of the laws of war, a rebel soldier shall be executed; and for every one enslaved by the enemy or sold into slavery, a rebel soldier shall be placed at hard labour on the public work."
I don't know about you. But that freedom talk is such a turn on.
So class today, carry love in your hearts for Mr. Frederick Douglass--grandfather of Black Hair Styles and Freedom.
Dismissed.
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