There is so much fuckery afoot, mummy doesn't know where to begin.
All The Presidents Men
Welp, looks like the dung has officially been slung. Our commander-in-chief held a press conference today which left salacious political pundits bellowing that "the half white man doesn't have a leg to stand on!" My total lesbian crush Rachel Maddow, called him baseless. More dubious Americans yelled "ha! see Sue Ann this here proves he's a Mooslim. He says taxes are wrong!" and I wouldn't be surprised if these ass monkey's don't pull a filibuster. But if you watched today's briefing, you'll see that my man was pissed! O was talking big shit as if he were playing a round of Spades or Bidwhist and his partner reneged on a book. He lashed out at "hostage taking Republicans" and "sanctimonious Democrats". Okay wait, before you get too nervous that this posting will be all about politics and click to TMZ to see who's dick bumping each other, allow yourself a few moments to take note of what is happening. If you don't care about tax hikes, health care, and geo politics that's fine--I guess. Maybe this will interest you: If you have unemployment benefits, and the they're due to run out in the new year you my friend may be shit out of luck. Not me though. I'm gonna mount the first geriatric billionaire I see and I'm gonna make that fucker marry me. Lord knows I've given away my peaches for free--now it's time to get paid.
All jokes aside, the shit feels like a disaster, and I don't know where this rabbit hole will lead. President Obama has made no secrets that he's "itching for a fight on a whole range of issues,". Look nobody liked the Peanut Farmer when he was in office, and now Jimmy Carter is like the best fucking guy on the planet. Seriously he's like the patron saint of saving the fucking world. Hopefully someday Obama will follow suit. Until then, I'm just gonna sit back and watch episodes of Muppet Babies and wait for this mothafucka to blow up.
PUSHING UP DAISIES
In obits, we salute legendary funny fucker actor Leslie Nielsen (84), former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Don Meredith (72), and the lovely Elizabeth Edwards (61) wife of former presidential candidate John Edwards (a feeble dick loser).
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assanange has been arrested on sexual assault charges. Another feeble dick loser who can't seem to keep his piehole shut! WikiLeaks is a non-profit media organization dedicated to bringing important news and information to the public--well, that's what they claim.
Oprah Winfrey is slated to star in the film production of Ruined, based on the stage play by Pultizer Prize winner Lynn Nottage. I---nevermind. *Reaches for Titos vodka, drops sleeping pills in the glass--dissolve--stir---gulp. So Jennifer Hudson is playing a South African, and now Ophry is playing a--reaches for vodka again.
Da Chicago Bears are kicking ass. That's all youse need to know.
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Pearl Harbor was attacked, and somehow I blame it all on Ben Affleck. Thank god we cleared all that shit up with the Japanese, because I cannot live without Iron Chef.
Closed Captioning For the Jive Impaired was named to the list of top LA 100 blog spots! I am oh so honored. Here's the link, and with it a list of the coolest non-celeb blog spots. http://bit.ly/dFfA4a
If you like this blog, puff puff give darling! Pass it on! Write my name on the bathroom walls. No worries, it won't be the first time.
A new study led by Dr. Peter Frederick of the University of Florida says that more birds are becoming gay because of mercury pollution. Really? I'm supposed to believe that birds stick their beaks in each others assholes? Top and bottom? *blank stare.
Alright kids, you've just wasted another perfectly good 4 minutes of your life on this blog and I love you for it. And as always, keep you pipe loaded, don't take no wooden nickels, and don't forget to pull out. May the force be with you.
ciao for now,
NEXT BLOG: Charles Rangel, Al Sharpton and Frederick Douglass. A look at black men in politics and the hair that defined them.