Sunday, December 26, 2010

Habari Gani and Pass The Toilet Paper

Ciao fuckers!

Well hellllllllllllllllllo mummy's possums! Happy Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa and Happy Boxing Day.  Yes, I'm an international mothafucker. Are you touched by my holiday spirit? Are you touching yourself? You should be.  In fact you should be touching yourself and tearfully asking, "What in the name of Peal Bailey did I do deserve such a caring considerate drunken hosebag like Mummy Slick? She remembered Boxing Day. No one cares about Boxing Day.  Its lower on the social holiday scale than Kwanzaa. Slick is the greatest goddamned Yank walking in North America. Slick be praised!"
In fact you should be letting out a big ole queef in honor of mummy Slick.  
Let our urethra swell with joy, for she hath bestowed gifts of fuckery for those in need. Slick 3:16
Gather around darlings. Its feeding time.
 I fucking love the holidays.  I'm like a P-I-G hog in shit, let me tell ya. I totally drop the curmudgeon act and turn into a pooh bear. Garland & decorated trees, snow covered sidewalks, and snow falls. Snippets of Dickensian Carol's, the Peanuts Gang ice skating, and Donny Hathaway music fill my heart.  And I believe it when people stand and proclaim that there shall be peace on earth, and goodwill towards man---Oh all that jazz makes my dick hard! And it doesn't stop there! The starchy congenitive heart failure inducing plantation food, sugary desserts, hot buttered booze--and if I smoke the right strain, I have visions of sugar plums dancing in my head.  Family fights at the dinner table, 24hour marathons of A Christmas Story, and gifts! I love the gifts, especially from my Mami and big brother. The celebration at this time of year no matter race, creed, class is ubiquitous.  

I bid you jolly tidings from Chicago where the monsters of the midway are shuffling along doing our thang! Life is good friends. The Bears just defeated the Jets, and I am gorging on leftovers.  The weather is fair and my wardrobe hasn't suffered too much obstruction--before coming here, I feared the entire holiday be plagued with low temps & windchill factors, moon boots, puffy North Face jackets.  

Of course the day is sour for some. Bad weather along the Eastern seaboard have many stranded.  Many of our brothers and sisters have a heavy heart, because this may be the first holiday without a loved one.  Some boys and girls despite the efforts of many, didn't have much to eat--or weren't spared drunken laments from their lousy meth/crackhead parents.  I hope an anvil falls on your head, if you have caused a child have a bad Christmas.  For real.

For all of my children, I wish you a joy filled holiday.  Whether or not you wish Jesus a happy birthday is not my business. Do you boo--pagan styled, or bible thumping.  Just as long as you do it.  And in closing, I leave you with Holiday Do's And Dont's.

Check on your elderly neighbor. Elder neglect and abuse is real. Take em a plate.
Leave scrapings outside for the stray cats & dogs, they need love too.
Call 9-1-1 to report squatters. Fuck squatters rights. Those senseless fires can put your life or firefighters lives in danger.
Google Kwanzaa if you have no idea what the fuck it is.
Make a holiday playlist! My top ten songs are below.  I'll even toss in my top five films.
Don't be a fucking dip. Dispose of electronic boxes on trash day. Leave that 42" Flat screen or MacBook Pro box outside for all the hypes to see and they will break into your house. 
Get manicures with candy canes if you're over the age of 25. Honestly.
Get caught up in shopping and spending money you don't have. Relax.
Drink Soy egg nog. The fuck outta here. Full fat dairy is the only way to go.

And finally to make your holiday slick, music of the spheres.

Slick's Black People Make Better Holiday Songs Playlist
1. This Christmas by Donny Hathaway
2. Silent Night by The Temptations
2b.Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer by The Temptations
3. Christmas Time in Hollis by Run DMC
4. Christmas Rappin by Curtis Blow
5. Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto by James Brown
6. Merry Christmas To You by Nat King Cole
7. Christmas Time Is Here by Ray Parker Jr.
8. Merry, Merry Christmas by Luther Vandeross
9. My Favorite Things by Diana Ross & The Supremes
10. Someday At Christmas by Stevie Wonder

Top American Holiday Flicks
1. A Christmas Story
2. The Family Stone
3. While You Were Sleeping
4. A Fat Albert Very Special Christmas
5. Elf

Ciao for now kiddies. God bless us all, everyone.


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