Thursday, November 11, 2010

Kegels Make The World Go 'Round

Helllllllllloooooooooo mummy's possums!

Oh how I've missed you so. Gather around you lascivious monsters for my breasts are filled with fermented milk, so let the feeding begin. I bid you tidings from the City of Big shoulders where the women are fine, the men are strong and the children are above average.

So I'm here on a work trip, and I must say the week has gone by in a blur and I am quite fatigued. I've been on the go a lot these last few weeks, and so you will have to pardon my absence from the blogesphere. Now I know that may sound like a high class fucking hoo Slick. Want some cheese with that wine? Oh the gods must really hate you, since you're forced to sit in an office 22 stories up in the John Hancock facing the lake for 8hours a day surrounded by brilliant artists, and theatre practitioners--they fete you with Lavalazza coffee, natural goodies like seaseme sticks, hummus, pita, smoked gouda from Trader Joes all while you sit around and make art.  Typically I would be at home in Southern California watching the Cooking Channel, chomping on herbal remedies, ordering Fushigi and planning fake weddings with jewelery found on Etsy.

All jokes aside, I'm so happy to be at my artistic home and reunited with my friends and colleagues. We have convened for our annual Artistic Retreat where we hear proposals for upcoming productions under consideration to be produced.  And when you're one of the people pitching a project--it can be nerve wrecking.  I proposed my project today and I dare say it went well.  I had a cast of some of the best actors in the game (James Vincent Meredith, Anthony Fleming III, Larry Neumann Jr., Brandon Miller, Cedric Young and Daniel Bryant).  That's right, an all male cast in a play about baseball & politics. Let me tell you folks, when you are a directress to a group of hard-legs like this you have to have a Teflon vagina and assert your power immediately.  (Well way to go Nic. You've just set back the feminist movement 60 years. Sorry Mary McCloud Bethune and Eleanor Roosevelt.)   Oh well dear reader, I'm sure it's not the first time I've disappointed you with my disenchanted ramblings.

The week is coming to an end, and I'm a little sad. I've enjoyed people asking me for my opinions about art--it's just too fucking bad I can't give them intelligent and thoughtful responses.  Here's a peek at the obtuse mind of J. Nicole Brooks.

Smart Artist: ...And so this Dutch post-Impressionist painter whose work had a far-reaching influence on 20th century art for its vivid colors and emotional impact.  To create a theatre piece that chronicles his relevance today could be quite provocative. How has his life impacted your work Nicole?

J. Nicole Brooks: I don't know. But I think it'd be cool to have a contest for the patrons. We could give them each an Etch A Sketch, and whomever draws the best penis gets the prize. The prize would be a Fushigi!  That shit would be rad. Right? Hey is the porn back on craigslist? maybe we could do a play about that.  You know, I had a sex dream about Prince Harry the other day. Please tell me that's legal...I mean I don't wanna be like some chester child molester if the boy ain't of age yet. But he's so friggin hot. Like the kind of boy you hump right after his rugby game...And what the fuck is up with Kanye West? Does he have scurvy of the brain? I mean Jesus fuck, why don't they inoculate this boy? And where is Jane Bryne? Maybe she could kick Rahm's ass in this mayoral race. I'm hungry--hey look that squirrel has a Snickers bar! Wait...we were talking about art right? Ooops, I pooted.

I should mention that I'm half cocked and doped on cold medicine right now. And by cold medicine I mean a jigger of Lagavulin and a stick of Beechum gum.  Oh shuddup, it's a great fucking remedy for my illness! Don't you judge me you bucket head.  Alright asshole you've just wasted another perfectly good 6 minutes of your life reading this blog--and I love you for it.  

Go do something to save the world you magnificent bastard!  And remember, you can't fry chicken in cold grease. Thanks for reading.


NEXT BLOG: Why you need to keep yo black ass off ALL Carnival Cruise ships. The Middle Passage wasn't fun. Neither is being adrift at sea. #dummies


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