It's Wednesday, so Happy Hump Day! I hope you those ingrown hairs along the bikini line ain't stopping you from getting the proper BJ or HJ that you deserve. Mummy is still traipsing around the fifth circle of hell, and twixt script deadlines, scary auditions, late rent, and gas prices that's high as giraffe pussy, I'm still standing, still strong...and naturally, I miss you little possum. And mummy is breaking her bush to feed her little possums.
Because it's the first of the month, and white people tend to demand their money (rent, cell, credit cards, mortgages, gym memberships etc.,) I'm doing my best to live a green lifestyle. Yes, I am joining the ranks of trendy hipsters and going green. Compost, recycle, and consume less. Far too many Americans don't commit the concept of keeping things local, and simple. So this morning, I walked to my local Whole Foods grocer and returned a bottle of Chardonnay that I purchased days ago. After consuming the delicious bottle of La Graviere, I refilled the bottle with water, re-inserted the cork and took the bottle back to customer service to "recycle" it. Typically the recycle bins are outside the store, but I wanted to take extra steps to ensure the bottle would be used properly. So in order to save the earth further destruction, I just so happened to mention to the assoicate of the wonderful local grocer that the bottle was rancid, and although my palate was offended, I still wanted to "recycle" the bottle. The associaite apologized immediately and wanted to make a mends. He asked if I wanted to get another bottle of La Graviere, because these things happen. Not wanting to cause a ruckus, I agreed and got another bottle.
See, that's living green. If I had purchased another bottle, it would have been wasteful. He would have had to print another receipt and I would've been forced to give him cash which would've destroyed more trees in Sri Lanka. So by refilling the bottle with water, and happening to mention I was disappointed (I was only disappointed that I couldn't drink more) I got a free bottle. See, recycling is easy and beneficial.
Oh what, that's not living green? Well fuck off tea bagger! What are you gonna go run and tell Ed Begeley Jr that I'm not really interested in saving the planet, only my liver? Its not like I pulled off some Thomas Crown Affair type heist. Times are hard. I'm out here busting my bush so that I too can live a fabulous lifestyle and you can live vicarious through me. See, if I succeed, it's a win-win situation.
In addition to the horrid jawline acne, and sky caps I need to carry the bags under my eyes, I dare say I am feeling good. It's been a busy last few days, and I've been a bit ape shit...but sometimes the dung must be slung and I'm doing my best not to give in to fear. And so dear friend, I hope this hump day will give you sunshine on your shoulders.
Bon Anniversaire to our Commander-In-Chief Barak Hussein Obama! Sir, despite the masses I still say you are black excellence.
Okay kids, go and be magnificent bastards
And in the meantime, start snitching
wash your hands before you touch yourself
and don't get none on ya.
Ciao for now,
NEXT BLOG: STEPHEN COLBERT IS GAY??!!!! Yes, there is a God!