Saturday, August 28, 2010

Eat, Pray, Love and Don't Forget To Pull Out

Ciao fuckers!!!

Oh shuddup, I know I ain't talked to you since King died--but it is with good reason.
Mummy has been too drunk to type.
*Making fun of alcoholism isn't funny. If you need help, get it. We won't laugh.

It's Emmy weekend here in Hollyweird and everyone is a buzz darling! The salons are filled with women getting their hair coiffed, glued in, and jhuzzed up.  Men are lifting weights to get the physique camera ready, and no doubt waxing their pubic hairs so that they're BJ ready---I'm not kidding either. My aesthician told me a lot of men in this town get Brazilan waxes. In case you don't know, a BW is a service in which wax removes ALL of the pubic hair. From the pelvic bone thru the anus.  Oh stop squirming I'm not gonna get too graphic. Yes I am. Men getting BWs? That is some bullshit.  The hair is there for a reason! Not because its natural, or God gave it to you gentlemen--I'm not talking about that. It's there because God knows that BJs can be annoying.  Yes.  See when you have a hairy man, the BJ is easy.  Think about it. Picture doing the Brawny man.  Lots of hair, you "gag", he thinks he's huge and his ego is inflated. Short and sweet.

Now picture doing Mr. Clean.
You're pissed right? Yeah you are, cuz that hairless bastard expects you to stay down there forever. BULLSHIT.  Men, please do not shave or wax your hair! Keep it! It helps shorten the BJ. See when there is hair you say, "oh you're such a big boy. My word, call me a wimp. But, I can't finish."  But when there's no hair? He expects some Vannessa Del Rio deep throat scenario.  It's like "come on dude, hurry ice cream is melting, and Frasier is about to come on."

What was I talking about? Oh yes, the Emmys!

Sadly I will not be in attendance this year.   
I'm like Rodney Dangerfield in this city. I gets NO respect.  Dammit, why don't people see that I am a one person diversity network waiting to explode?! I am ready to bust a nut with my brilliance. My ideas are unfuckingparalleled. Just wait until I get my chance! I will break precedence with my projects. It will be like the rebirth of MTM which brought us beloved series like Hill St. Blues, Lou Grant, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show of course.

My work is constantly overlooked by the Emmy's. My series No Country For Old Coloreds(c) was not nominated this year sadly.  Then there was my critically acclaimed short lived cop drama They All Look Alike Anyway(c) which was way better than The Wire. Showtime threw money behind Weaves(c) (my answer to Weeds) a touching show about a widowed black mother who starts selling outlawed Malaysian, Russian & Polynesian  hair to take care of her sons. Alas the American public did not respond.  They were ready for a black president, but not a black leading lady.  And now we're left with    America's tuff tiny pony tail swinging nurse, Jada Pinkett in Hawthorne. Womp. Womp.

Well, I won't be at the Emmy's but I will be dressed fabulously to celebrate the birthdays of some of my beloved Virgo friends: Lotti, Mike and Linara.  So since the sun is currently in Virgo, I wish all of my loving well organized friends a very happy birthday.  I may not spend my weekend guzzling champagne with Jon Hamm or Anna Paquin.  But I will be having a margarita made in my mouth at the W Hotel by a hairy Armenian bartender with his 3 inches of dangling fury.

I'm awesome.

ciao for now kiddies,


next blog: HOMICIDAL HOUSE PLANTS.  How to protect your family from murderous Bermuda Lily plants.

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