Happy friggin Monday. I hope your cubicle is camera free and you are touching yourself as you read this blog. Forget putting a cover on that TPS Report. Forget chipping in for your office mate Monica's birthday (you know you don't like that ho no way--save your $$). Forget that brown paper bag lunch--SPLURGE! Go treat yourself to an epicurean lunch, filled with shit you cannot pronounce at a restaurant you've always been to intimidated by. Girls grease up your soup coolers with Mac gloss, and slap some Jean Nate between those thighs! High rollers---Fortune 500 types will be there. Guys, get thee to the pharmacy, shoplift some Axe body spray and drink it. Yes, drink it. It will ooze from your pores, the high class prostitutes in the said restaurant will jump your bones and all will be right with the world. See, not only will you have top shelf cocktails at a shi shi poo poo restaurant by noon, you'll also get a great BJ or HJ. Now a bit of housekeeping. You cannot go with a group of people. Solo queso my friend. Still worried about the tab at the end of the bill? No worries. Run the card, it won't post until midnight anyway. And when your account goes negative as a result of my reckless advice, simply report your card stolen! The bank will refund you $42 lunch and you once again will shout from the mountain tops "Goddamnit! Docta Slick is the best fucking thing on planet earth! Thank you Slick!!!" And I will simply pull my hat over my eyes and fade into the darkness...like every good super hero does.
I like saving people. But I must admit good people of earth. I have failed you. I was not able to save you from the BET Awards.
Hey remember The Muppet Show Pigs In Space? Well pretend that music is playing when I say the BET Awards was an EPIC FAILURE.
Okay to you non-BET viewers reading this blog (which may include but is NOT limited to: white people, liberals, tea baggers, neo Nazi's, elderly Jewish men & women, Guatemalans, commedia dell arte people, those with credit scores of 800+, and purveyors of the Negro race) this may all seem as though your reading Greek. But just play along like you too, viewed the awards or just understand the dysfunction of Black Entertainment Television.
Yes, Raheem al hajj bobby seale sister souljah Mohammed. I know yow I know you already think I'm a self hating Negro, that rags on blacks for the sake of being contrary. While this is absolutely true, I think you may agree with a few things I observed. Highs and Lows. But first a disclaimer:
The views of Docta Slick are not necessarily the views of Black peoples.
Most award shows are terrible. They're conceived by a room filled with ass clowns producer/director/ writers (yes, these shows actually have WRITERS--hughfaifhrr. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit) who seem to think they can improve from the year before. There is no reason that award shows should last longer than 2 hours (especially for film honors). On the other hand, I will say most musicians have the worst stylists that make them look like Jiffy Pop bags with clown wigs on. They're often coked up, worn down, drunk off their asses and feel the need to let their freak flags fly high. For this, I will allow 4 hours of televison time. Its a marvelous train wreck.
The return of the Light Skinded Brothers
Yes, El Debarge. Yes. Now most of us remember the groups DeBarge, and Switch from back in the day. The legacy of this family is quite fascinating. An unlikely tale of childhood abuse, subsistence battles, religion and AIDS. If you can get your hands on a copy of the wonderful bio show Unsung check out the episode on the DeBarge family. Heartbreaking, but redemptive. I was happy to see El last night.
Why Lawd? Why?
Where is Millie Jackson when you need her? These youngins don't know how to be real bad girls. Nicki makes my ass chafe. Lip syncing. Bad wigs. And she didn't wear Spanx. Get off my lawn.
Reading Is Fundamenal
BET somehow missplled your name. DAKE. How in fucks name can you misspell Drake? Go back to Canada boo boo, cuz these mf's are gonna run you ragged. Actually you're doing a pretty good job yourself. (It's okay Jimmy Brooks of DeGrassi I still love you)
Yay for the weird Black girls!
Janelle Monae was channeling Rosetta Tharpe & Grace Jones. She's a tuff tiny. I hope her pompidoo hair and Bozo the Clown shoes style catches on in the 'hood. It'll be nice to see young girls dress that way.
Esperanza Spaulding was playin that upright, and looking oh so beautiful. Yes please.
The Return of Chris Brown?
Now it's hard for me to feel bad for multi-millionaires. But this boy is working double time to get his fans back. I thought his dance/song tribute to Michael Jackson was pretty good. The choreography was crisp and he emmulated the King of Pop right down to breaking down during Man In The Mirror. Some of you may recall years ago, when Michael sang Man In the Mirror on award show--his cup runneth over. I'm not sure what happened with Chris---he caught the holy ghost and was full.
The Artist Formerly Known As
Well, we were lucky to have Prince last night. I sure appreciated seeing Prince give his approval OR disapproval of artists doing their best to cover his songs. (By the way, I will NEVER forgive T-BOZ for singing If I Was Your Girlfriend). Prince seemed mildly amused when Trey Songz covered Purple Rain--in fairness...nobody can do it justice. Although Patti LaBelle did a pretty good rendition. Now this takes me back to the production value of the show. Prince has an astounding catalog of music. So why in fucks name would the producers allow 2 artists to cover the same song? Trey Songz & Patti both sang Purple Rain. Ugh.
But Prince is always a cool mf. He seemed to love Alicia Keys' preggers rollin on that piano like Little Richard. I love Alicia's ambition, I must say.
Overall, the show was what it was. Latifah was great, and there were some awesome performances (not you Nicki Minaj). I just wish BET revisited some of the old programming. When I was a kid, BET was pretty well rounded. It offered music, politics, and teen programing. I know Donny Simpson is not hip anymore, but I'd rather see him as a VJ. I don't know, maybe I'm becoming a curmudgeon. I'm just sick of the overt sexual nature of the network. I'm tired of the flossy, ching-y, bling-y bullshit. But mediocrity wins, so I'll shut up.
No I will not. Somehow I feel that the failure of this show is Sherri Shepards fault. I know, she had nothing to do with it. But she kinda irks me. And I like blaming things on her.
Well fuckers, you just wasted another 11 minutes of your life reading this blog.
By the time this thing is posted, I will have had my ghetto passport revoked.
And in other news, Tyler Perry is gonna kick Aaron McGruder square in the ass.
BP is still killing marine life. Once the shrimping industry is liquidated, black people will riot.
In Chicago, the beloved Kiddieland Amusement Park is being demolished today--le sigh.
Former Klansman & Obama supporter Senator Robert Byrd has died at the age of 92.
The murder rate in Chicago continues to increase.
Gay pride was celebrated in Chicago, NY and San Fran
and somehow through this all, Mel Gibson still has a career.
Go back to pickin cotton you lazy sack of shit. Its Monday. You can't be dickin around reading silly thoughts from a silly girl. Silly moo cow, you.
NEXT BLOG: Cold Case re-opened. Al Gore's sexual deviant ways was the true reason for the fall of Saigon.