Well mummy breasts are full of milk and she's ready to feed. Let the pumping begin.
How are you fuckers? I've missed you. Now you mustn't be cross with me, because I've been on holiday.
I've just returned from, yes, you guessed it---safari in the jungles of Southside USA. It was filled with epic fuckery and anthropological wonderment. While my trip was a short one, it was chocked full of excitement, and inevitable disappointment.
I flew into town for the annunal TCG (Theatre Communications Group) national conference held in Chicago at the Hilton Palmer House. Which by the way, is tres chic darling. They've wiped off the cob webs, replaced the Victorian shitters with self flushing toilets, and added over priced drinks to the bar in the lobby. I'm not complaining here at all...because one thing old white institutions know about, is alcohol. The bar keep at the Palmer House made me a mean Bloody Mary...dirty, spicy and full of jizz. That's how I like my mens too.
Oh shuddup you. Mummy can be a funny whore, when she wants. I can't always be intelligent and witty. Sometimes a good dick on the forehead joke can cure the blues. Unfortuanetly it doesn't cure the assholes from shooting each other when the mercury rises. That's right. There were 24 reported shootings over the weekend in Chicagoland. While it's true, some days it's hotter than the devils twat. But honestly, does that give you a reason to go and shoot a mothafucka? I mean believe me, I want to have violent outbursts when I see improperly applied lace fronts, 32" rims on Chevy Novas, sidewalks that glitter...but close up you see it's broken bottles...these scallywag assed youths dressed in their coon war face. The white knee length tee shirts, the salt and pepper weaves, the misuse of gladiator sandals (jesus help em lord), and the 6 year olds with Mohawks.
Now, most black people will tell you "Oh yeah, I got Indian in my family." Give me a fucking break. Sure Native American blood flows in most of our blood lines. Indians may have gotten fucked by the jerks on the Mayflower, but they carried on and fucked everybody too, and so some of us do have that in the bloodline. Sometimes they owned slaves, sometimes they helped em. Whatever. We all have a place at the casino table. But, a four, five or six year old has NO business wearing a Mohawk. No, they do not. It's not self expression. Perhaps in some cases, it is. But I'm willing to bet it's dumb parents trying to make their kids look like smaller versions of what they see on the corner. I'm no Cornell West, but I do have my theories on 'hood mentalities. It's not like these young mothers and fathers are raising their kids under the tutelage of Waldorf education. Or home schooling. Or un-schooling. Most of em don't know shit about their lineage. Unless you know for a fact that your great great grandmama was apart of the Slapaho tribe, stop giving these precious kids fucked up hairstyles. Because they look up at your dumb ass, with facial piercings and weave like Storm from the X-Men and think that society will accept them. Then when I go to Walgreens to buy my tampons, I got to listen to Obamanishia talk like a damned fool.
Okay fine, if you choose let your children dress any kind of way, that just make sure these crumb snatchers know how to say please and thank you. And don't let them start off conversations with "Un and Um." Fuck man, I wish we had Charm Schools around these days. These little mothafuckers could use some table manners. I know I'm pretty low brow, but I know the difference between a fish fork and salad fork. I also know exactly how to poot and quickly move away. I'm a classy fucker, you see. And white people, don't think I ain't gone swoop in on your little skate boarding mop haired kids. Their under the illusion of inclusion too. I'm not saying all kids should wear bow ties and kilts to school, but most of these children don't understand that appearance matters. After you are of age, fine, do what you will. But as children we have the duty to protect them from growing up too fast. Nigga Minaj--oops I mean Nicki Minaj makes my stomach turn. But she's a grown ass woman...so it's fine. But 5th graders wanna look like her, ya dig? Plus when I'm old and can't wipe my own poo, I don't want some white mop head Skater boy to call me Dude instead of ma'am, or MoHawk Blackfoot serving me expresso. There is NO X! IT'S ESPRESSO.
(Reaches for Xanax and Jameson)
My blood pressure is always a bit high after visiting Chicago. One of my BF's has a job offer on the table from New York. She's nervous about uprooting her family and going across country. She called and asked me to weigh in on it. And I didn't hold my tongue. Sure Chicago is a wonderful city. Big, friendly, constant activity. But she has a young son--who's quite impressionable. He told her the other day that he wanted to move to Canada because he was sick of watching the crackheads watch her, while she was watching them.
He was sick of watching the crackheads, watch her, while she watched them.
Now, I can make sweeping generalizations because I don't have children--beyond that, I throw-- hurl boulders at glass houses. Some of my statements may seem unfair. But I can speak from being a child, who watched crackheads take over---and I like my friends' son, wanted to move to Canada. It appeared clean and friendly on Degrassi Jr. High. I yearned for diversity as a child, as most kids do when they're faced with bullshit. There's a part of me that cannot return to Chicago, because I cannot fathom living in a city, and paying taxes where it only goes to one part of the city (for the most part). Los Angeles isn't perfect, but I don't have the same anxiety here as I have there. I think it's sad that people work so hard, and cannot have a decent quality of life.
Illinois is ranked 48th in the job market. Out of 50 states and a few commonwealths, Illinois is at the very bottom. There are NO jobs here folks. The city that works, ain't working. And that's why there is a terrible increase in crime, and blood pressure.
The theatre conference added balance to my trip. I met and conversed with people I've longed to work with---or hell just wanted to share a pint with really. Tracy Letts, a hell of a writer and actor was asked how success changed him. And he replied "there's always the obstacle of expectation."
Fucking A. I'm having a hard time expecting my people to get their shit together. I can't do it all alone. None of us can. All I can do, its plant flowers, watch out for the children who play in the street, chat with my elders that watched me play in the street and call 911 & 311 on a daily basis.
I'm not so sure I can live peacefully in Chicago again. I long to. It's a magnificent city. And just like my artistic career some days it's fulfilling, and other days it's dismal. But I own them both...and will do my best to keep fighting for both.
So raise your glasses to America's favorite ghetto. May peace reign, and the bullshit ends. Lets not have our kids thinking these lies are gospel.
Fellow scribe Kristoffer Diaz said "at the heart of revolution...is joy. Joy."
So even though my heart aches for social justice, he's right. There is joy...always.
ciao for now
NEXT BLOG: How the CIA used Nicki Minaj to usher the US Soccer Team into the FIFA World Cup.