Thursday, May 27, 2010

Clear The Boogers Out Your Nose, So You Can Smell What I'm Cooking. Slick's Life Is Awesome

Ciao fuckers!

I've missed you all so much! Life has been a whirlwind the last few weeks and I've neglected to deliver organic gluten free bullshit.  I'll give you the quickie version of events:

*I booked and shot 2 commericals. One national, one regional. (And yes, I slept with the Kraft Services dudes on both sets. Lets just say for me acting is not about the craft. It's about Kraft.)  Twizzlers for everybody!

*I've found temporary housing. A cute little abode in WeHo. Instead of living across the road from trendy gays and hipster 30 somethings, I live across the street from an assisted living/nursing home.  They just sit outside and stare at me like I'm Alf or some shit. Most of them are Slavic and grip their wheelchairs and look nervous when I pass by and chime "Goodmorrow friends!"  So I figure maybe they are looking for excitement. A wise man once said "Sex sells."  So sometimes I stand on my balcony and yell"whooohooooo Spring break!" and flash my boobs. Still, nothing.  See, this is why I don't fuck with the elderly.   I'm just trying to loosen things up a bit, and distract them from holocaust and "forced to leave my country" memories that's got them catatonic and shit. I give them chocolate milkshakes and they give me nothing back. Assholes.

*I lost the hubcap on my car.  So not only does this mothafucka not go in reverse, it now suffers aesthetically. My car looks stupid like when kids loose their front teeth.  Some of you may think its cute, I think snaggle tooth 6 year olds look stupid. So GiGi (my car) is suffering greatly. Its not fun when I have to Barney Rubble myself into a parking space. Really. You try navigating the wheel, door open pushing with your foot, AND checking mirrors all in heels. RIP Toyota hubbie.

*My weave is holding up just fine, thanks for asking.

*My Mami called today and told me that the good white folks from the City of Chicago have done some good in the 'hood.  Three count em, 3 abandoned buildings have been knocked down this morning! Praise Zeus! Praise Papa Smurf!!  Do you know what that means? They will knock down all the dilapidated rape crack head headquarters, some fat cat Realtor & Architect will design and build over priced single family homes (built by Mexican & Polish laborers) and this in turn will attract yuppies, buppies, and the gays.  I can see it now.  Liquor stores will be replaced by Doggie Day Care.  Motels will be replaced by a Bed & Breakfast.  Fried flesh fast food replaced by Organic Gluten Free Free Range rSBT Kefir Flax Seed Kombucha Free Trade Coffee Houses.  My mother will be able to walk down the street and not have to cut mothafuckers for looking at her the wrong way (thank god for statute of limitations--story for another blog posting).  Washington Park--well at least, Lafayette Ave is on its way people.  The death of shiftless Negro's too afraid to call the cops or re-build a community is nigh...As an added bonus, self hating Negro's like me, that have assimilated into yuppy society can shed our skin and return home. The Prodigal Couture Buppie returns...

So friends, la vie est belle! My life is good. Not perfect by any means---but for today, for right now---I'm okay.  I'm still broke, but the good thing about having an anemic bank account is that it forces you to not eat as much. So not only am I on my way to being a skinny gal, but I feel optimistic about this transition.  So thanks for your prayers, and good vibrations.  I'm still the same cantankerous misanthrope, so don't go thinking "oh this bitch done gone Pollyanna or Anne of Green Gables on me."

So here's to our bright future! Now go touch yourself.

ciao,

x

NEXT BLOG: Is rapper Drake David Schwimmer's  ILLEGITIMATE CHILD?  The shocking Father's Day plot revealed...

119 comments:

CP said...

As Ricky Gamboa would say, you a craze!

Docta Slick said...

I love my Ricky! Yes...

Jackie S. said...

Love it!

the.freshmaker said...

This is fucking hilarious and you're a great writer.

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