Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Diary Of A Wimpy Kid (The Ob-Gyn Edition)

Ciao fuckers!

So I've decided to dedicate this blog posting to my ladies.  Yes this is a womens only forum. Now you hard legs can stick around and watch if you like, but be forewarned...I am not going to sensor myself. So don't leave no ignant assed misogynist comments (unless they're funny).

As we get older, we have to take notice at everything concerning the anatomy.  Especially when it comes to our wonderful vagina's. We like to keep them groomed and free of cottage cheese right? Right.

We pay so much attention to our love boxes that we often neglect the breasts...I mean yes, we check to make sure there are no lumps or Cheetos caught underneath...but really that's about it right? Right.

Well the other day I was doing a breast exam. I offered up thanks to the breast goddess and prayed that my breast continued to stay healthy and NOT droop any further than they already have. I mean honestly, they don't make coco butter strong enuf to get rid of the stretch marks.

Anyway, I'm checking and checking and all seemed fine until I noticed a piece of hair. I thought "hmmm I'd better start using Prell for my dry mane. I'm shedding like a dog..." So I dusted at my breast, except the hair didn't move. I shrugged it off, and tried again, because I'm not quitter. But nothing was happening. My palms got sweat and my breathing labored. Suddenly the split personality voices in my head started up (and just for your knowledge sometimes when my neurosis take over, it's an English voice--don't ask).

"Oi! What's this then? Is that hair on my boob, is it?"

Yes. There was a fucking hair follicle that gave birth to a little hair on my boob. Now ion't 'low no fucking pregnancies in my body, until I'm ready. But apparently my "boobs" didn't give a fuck about my zero tolerance of giving birth. This follice gave birth to a hair that was now living on my boob.
So I tried to stay calm and thought

"No worries then, I'll just pluck it and have a spot of tea---wait...what? Is that another? Blimey!!!"

I found not one but FOUR FUCKING HAIRS GROWING ON MY BOOB. It was like a little eco-system that didn't need me. It was living on my chest. My beautiful boob had 4 hairs. And one of the hairs had the fucking nerve to mutate! It split into two hairs.

Now I'm all about feminism, but how come none of you bitches bothered to warn me that hormonal changes can bring about hair growth? ON THE BOOB? I mean I've been saving my boobs for the right producer and now?  Well, there goes my role in Avatar 2.

Nobody wants a hairy boobed girl. Its bad enough my acting career has been stalled by...EVERYTHING.  I called my besty from high school and tearfully told her about my discovery.  I knew I could tell her everything, just like when we were 14 years old.

"Nat! I have a hair! Oh god, it's so gross!"
"On your chin?"
"NO! (sotto voce) on my boob! My titty is tainted!"
she goes "Oh girl, yah that's nothing. It happens. Don't  pluck it and it'll be fine."

It'll be fine? What the fuck kind of of fuckery? This dis-loyal heifer! I  called her a rancid cow and slammed the phone down. Who the fuck is this so called friend? And why (apparently) do some women know about this?

You know what, BITCHES I'm done being a woman! DONE! We have to deal with so much! PMS, fibroids, pregnancies...some women get pregnant and they  have hemorrhoids! How can I bring a child into the world when my ass is flipped inside out? NO.

Hopefully my hormones will continue to go crazy and if I'm lucky I'll grow a dick. And make more money.

I'm done being a woman. Fuck all that womens lib shit! Gloria Steinem, Maya Angelou, Michelle Obama YOU ARE ALL LIARS!

Ciao for now bitches.





penelope said...

you are hilarious, girl! I've had some questionable hair sitings. It rattles your whole being...these frickin' surprises!

Docta Slick said...