Midday Catechism for Dummies. The Lent Edition.

Happy FAT TUESDAY!!!!

Yep it's that time saints! Lent. Where we give up some vice for 40 days in order to please Jesus and all of the other people in the bible who died for you and your filthy sins. Now get thee to the chapel and drop some money in the box and pray.

Okay so obviously I'm not Catholic...as a matter of fact, I pray to Zeus, but I totally love LENT. But before you can get to Ash Wednesday to kick off the "I'm giving up yada yada", you gotta get thru Fat Tuesday.  

In the past I've given up coffee, red wine, cookies cakes and donuts (same year), french fries, and all kinds of shit that makes me look like a muffin top.  Then I have the years where it isn't geared towards vanities (I think I like lent because I always lose weight...sorry Jesus and Noah).  I even had a a friend who gave up masturbation for lent. Gulp.

Last  year I gave up complaining.  And if you've ever read this blog, you KNOW complaining and ranting is my shit!  Everyday I wake up I say "thank you lord for protecting me while I slept and slumbered." Then I get out the bed and kick the door open screaming "where the fuck is Papa Smurf?  He got some 'splaining to do!  My porridge is too hot, there was a pea under my mattress, and my mothafcukn grandma look like a gatdamn wolf!" 

This year I will give up some dietary thing (like white flour= most pastries, pizzas and goodies) and I am considering giving up poverty.  Now, I am not living in abject poverty.  I'm not like Precious or living like a child in Angela's Ashes.  I'm an adult with mild acne, I live in a guest house that's so tiny it often feels like the middle passage (Whoops. Too soon?) and I have a bunion (I prefer calling it a broken bone) that makes it difficult to wear my designer shoes.  For the most part I'm pretty resourceful.  When I'm dying for a really good meal, I will pitch an idea to some producer.  Not because I want them to produce the damned script, but because it means free food and excellent wine! And if they happen to like the script, well then friends, it's what we faux-Catholics call "success." I think this makes baby Jesus and elderly Noah happy.

I'd like to do something noble like, giving up Facebook for 40 days or giving up sugar. But, then it would crush my already delusional healthy self-esteem. I mean I have 800+ friends that poke me, give me thumbs up when they like something, and comment on my photographs. No...fuck that. I'm keeping Facebook.

It's settled. This year for Lent I will purge one thing for the soul and one thing for the waistline.  White starches for the waistline, and bigotry for the soul. You know saying the n-word, every five seconds? I'm giving it up! Racial epithets, gone! Of course my blog thrives on words like h*nkey, ch*nk, w*tback, d*go, sand n*gger so things may get a little conservative here.

Also, I will not scream at the no driving ass Asian drivers, look at bags of oranges and think of Latino's, see Check Cashing Places, Currency Exchanges and the 1st of the month and think of black people...and when I hear about a serial killer that eats toe nails, I will not assume it is one of my white brothers or sisters. Nope, for the next 40 days, I'm giving all that shit up.

But first, FAT TUESDAY. I'm eating everything I see, and will no doubt incite a race riot here on the streets of Los Angeles. It'll be easy too. Its a racist's paradise.  I will roll thru little Iran (Beverly Hills), little Ethiopia, Koreantown, little Armenia, Little Israel (Every wealthy neighborhood in LA) and every other ethnic neighborhood and let mothafucka's have it.  All white eating fries, pies and cakes.  Eat a dick you honkeychinkcoonskinvatokikecameljockeynodriving assholes! Slick is celebrating Fat Tuesday. In the name of the Roman Catholic Church.

Thanks for reading my blog you Nazi Communist fatty. But I am curious to know, what are you giving up? 

NEXT BLOG: Why Cleaning Your Navel Can Prove Deadly.

ciao for now kiddies.
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