Tuesday, February 23, 2010

How The Ghosts of Rod Serling & Paddy Chayefsky Inspired Me To Lampoon Network TV

Help me St. Paddy

I will place a huge disclaimer on this blog posting by stating that I AM OUT OF MY LOSING MY FRIGGIN MIND.

NnonononooONOONNONOOONONO! I'm not crazy...I guess since most of the morons on Wall Street have had their careers turned upside down, they've migrated to Hollywood to fuck up my would be career.  These jackassed bozo's who have siphoned all of the money from the banks and the middle class, must be the same ass clowns that are running the networks.

What is with these AWFUL one hour dramas?

I've just spent 26 minutes of my life watching a new show on the ABC Network. The Forgotten.
The Forgotten stars Christian Slater as some dick (that's what WE Chicagoan's call detectives) chasing bits and pieces of evidence for John and Jane Doe(s). Now stay with me on this, here is the premise: some mothafucka gets killed in an episode, then narrates the action. The body (Jane or John Doe) watches/narrates while this "team" of detectives piece together clues to solve the case. So to recap, the dead ppl help the team of detectives. OH did I mention that they're not really cops? They're a team of dedicated amateur detectives.

What the devil and Tom Walker is happening to TV? How the hell did this get past a pitch?

It's set in Chicago. Christian Slater is the head honcho. And the lead detectives are 2 women both petite and pretty and then 2 dudes. I'm so misconfused.

None of these DICKS haven't a clue as to what Chicago cops really look like, talk like, sound like. Oh but their not cops. Seriously WHY????

The Forgotten is not the only show that I'm targeting. Most of the shows on air that are "cop" themed are pretty shitty.  And I know I'm a bit of an ass for whooping up on this show, but my goodness, do we really have to suffer through these shows silently?  Yes, I know you're thinking "shut the hell up and change the channel." But change it to what? CSI? The dicks on that show are glossy gross too.

37minutes in
My god, she has more lip gloss than the chicks at the MAC counter!  In Chicago, the only female cops with glossy lips are the ones who've just eaten a Maxwell Polish Sausage.  And the male cops don't give chase thru alleys and over fences. They simply shoot you if you run.

I'm going crazy because most of the actresses on TV are bottle bleached blondes, and dark haired beauties with perfectly plucked eyebrows, lacy La Perla push up bra's and Loubotin heels. I'm supposed to think YOU can solve a crime when the gun and badge are background to your glamour? I'm supposed to believe that you patrol Englewood and the Low End? You break up bar brawls in Bridgeport and Canaryville? Oh yah you stop the prostitute coke heads in the Viagra Triangle?? (That's Rush St. in the Goldcoast, Chicago). 

These girls have this idiosyncratic way of "acting" by squinting her eyes and flipping their hair. The dudes are waifs with True Religion Jeans and jhuzzed up hair. 

Where are the cops on TV that have eye twitches, balding hair and acne?  (And I'm not advocating these aesthetic flaws because I have any of them. Nope not me). Where are the cops who are out of shape? The ones who don't have time to make it to the salon because they're over worked and underpaid?  Jesus crips even the cops on Hill St. Blues looked grimy!

Look, there are some actors on this show and many others that are quite talented.  There are the ones that do co-star work (5 lines and under) that could act circles around the leads...but it ain't their show. It's systemic really. The writers are hog tied by the producers who are bending over for the network and parent companies. But if we demand better tv and film, surely they will respond, right?

52 minutes and the show is over
These people have solved the case and how did they celebrate??? By having beer and deep dish pizza. ASSHOLES! YOU HAVE DESTROYED MY LOVE OF PIZZA PIE!

My mentors Rod Serling of The Twilight Zone and Paddy Chayefsky were masterful writers who revolutionized the world of television  and film.  It pains me to think that so many talented actors, writers and directors may not ever get to do good work like the aforementioned masters.  I've worn holes in my dvd's watching Twilight Zone episodes, and films like Network and Marty hoping wishing and praying for a return to the real kitchen sink drama's.  I'm gonna get my head out of my ass and write some shows. And then I'm gonna cast my self as the lead. So be on the lookout for the freckled face,sized 16, coffee stained teeth, unmanicured hands, Polish sausage glossed lip gun toting South Side alley cat that refuses to give chase, cuz that ain't how the dicks really do it.

By the hammer of Thor I will restore television for the children of America.

So scratch ya ass and get glad kids. Cuz there's a new sheriff in town.

ciao for now.

Next Blog: Why Interracial Couples Should Strive To Be Like Rick James and Teena Marie.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Not sure where to post this but I wanted to ask if anyone has heard of National Clicks?

Can someone help me find it?

Overheard some co-workers talking about it all week but didn't have time to ask so I thought I would post it here to see if someone could help me out.

Seems to be getting alot of buzz right now.