Closed Captioning for the Jive Impaired: Oscar Round Robin Part 1. Fashion Edition

Ciao fuckers!

Since I am unemployed I like to think of myself as a "Pop Culture Pundit". So basically I take recycled bullshit from the news and add my own 2 cents to it. And today's show is all about the Academy Awards.

First I'll start with the fashion and my ratings.

Mariah Carey C-
She is America's favorite sausage princess. She often stuffs herself into these ridiculous dresses and nobody bothers to tell her that she's looking like a young Aretha Franklin in training. Last night she did at least keep them tig-o-bitties indoors, but her dress was kinda womp womp. Why might you ask am I dumping on Mariah? Well its simple. She makes me wanna wipe my ass with her public persona. When she did the press junkets for the film Precious all she talked about was how Lee Daniels de-glamed her and made her ugly. Gave her a light mustache, a mole darkened her hair yada yada yada. I wish somebody would put a gag order on this heifer. That role could've gone to scores of brilliant actress' who wouldn't have given a good goddamn about aesthetics. Mariah's performance in Precious was fine, but find a better subject Mimi. You outta be glad SAG didn't kick you out after Glitter.

Maggie Gyllenhall A-
Dear Maggie,
When your character was killed in the Batman movie Dark Knight, I was happy. I was happy because your voice drove me insane. It was so friggin shrill. You were floating on a cloud of nasal drippy drips. Literally her vocal tonality in that film made me want to eat my own ear wax. However, you have redeemed yourself with that bold choice of a Dries Van Noten print gown. Girl you was fierce. So all is forgiven. Oh and I have a huge crush on your husband Peter Saarsgard. All jokes aside, she's a fine actress. I really respect her body of work. 'Cept for Dark Knight. Ugh

Gabourey Sidoube B+
Gabby! Girl I was getting sea sick from them waves in your hair. What was that Bliss? Did you use Bliss tracks? Number 2? I need to know...my weave cowered when you appeared on the red carpet. I like the 40s glamour she brought. Finally she had a dress that was a good color and fit. The House Marchesa should be proud.Work black girl Work!

Rachel McAdams A+
God Bless Canada. I love this woman. Ray Ray your dress matches your acting. EXQUISITE. Her Ellie Saab couture was over looked in my opinion.

MO' NIQUE A+
Mo Nique baby when you went up there you was giving me ALL OF HATTIE MCDANIELS. I forgave your unshaven legs and your appearing in Soul Plane. You were born to play Mary Jones in Precious. I salute you with my Luster Pink Oil Martini. You floated on air in that elegant Tadashi gown, donned gardenias and made us all want to find old tooth brushes dipped in Ampro brown gel and slick our baby hairs down. Well played mama. Well played.

Zoe Saldana A
I was ready to run up and beat you with the stick with hopes of finding delicious candies on the ground. This pinata thang was a hot mess, and I loved every minute of it. Zoe took a big risk wearing this Givenchy quinceanara looking get up...but I loved and hated it. I thought perhaps it would do better for the fashion celebrations at the Met, but...you know what Netyiri...you stood out and were quite stunning.

Carrie Bradshaw C+
I was waiting for Sarah Jessica Parker to show up. This Chanel git up was definitely something Carrie would wear. She's a fashion trailblazer, but I was thrown off by the 'luminom foiled breast plate. Plus she needed some Aquanet for them fly aways. But you still my boo SJP.

Melanie Griffith D
I couldn't see past them soup coolin ass lips. When will white women stop plumping their lips?
Girl sit cho ass down somewhere.

Sandra Bullock A+
YOU COMPLETE ME. Yes...the dress was YES.

Honorable mentions to J. LO, Paula Patton, and special shout to Carey Mulligan for looking like a white version of T-Boz.